4 Months

Dear Kobi,

How has it already been 4 months? How is it that I love you more than I ever thought possible?

I was afraid before. Afraid of becoming a new mom again. Afraid that I wouldn’t have enough love for you and your sister. Afraid of having a boy.

It was silly of me to be afraid. Once they put you in my arms all the fear disappeared.

You have brought a new meaning to our family. You have taught me that it is possible for your heart to grow bigger. You have taught your father what it’s really like to raise a baby. You have taught your sister’s the ULTIMATE responsibility.

You were born on May 14th at 9:54am.

Right off you opened your eyes and took me in. Took the world in. Everyone commented how “alert” you were. I knew you would be. I had a feeling.

You are so like your sister in so many ways but also very different.

You are barely 4 months and there is so much you can do. So many ways your personality is starting to show.

You can laugh.

You can smile.

You can hold your head up.

You can grab at and hold your toys.

You can chew on anything you can hold.

You have recently discovered your fingers and sometimes get carried away and choke on them.

You love to stand up on my legs. You are very strong.

You can turn your head from side to side.

You have recently learned that you can squeal so that’s lots of fun.

You love taking a bath but only in really warm water.

You have learned how to pull yourself across the floor by using this worm like motion. That’s super cute.

You also know how to scoot yourself out of your car seat if I don’t have you buckled in. Sorry about not knowing that. Hope you didn’t bump your head to hard.

You arch your back when you see me because you know that I’m going to pick you up.

You love to fall asleep in the crook of my neck. I kind of dig it too.

You like to be scared. When I hide and jump out you go into a fit of giggles.

Everyone says you are big for your age. You are wearing 6-9 month clothes and almost 15lbs. I love every single roll you have.

You are still breastfeeding. It’s out quiet time with each other. You recently started looking up and me when you nurse and occasionally stop just to smile at me and then continue. It melts my heart every time.

I recently started breaking you into your crib. I also recently gave up.

I’ll try again later. Life is too short not to enjoy the time I have to cuddle with you.

Soon you’ll be too big and won’t want to sleep with mom.

But for now I’ll enjoy your company.

These past 4 months have gone by in a flash. I am excited to see what the next 4 will bring.

But not too fast ok? Take your time. There is no rush.

May We Never Forget

I, like many others am re-posting today. My original post was written in 2008. My heart still hurts from this tragedy and always will....

Every year this day creeps up on me. I know it's September. I am conscious of it but then it's here.

I still remember where I was when it happened.

I still remember the panic that took place in our nation's capital.

I still remember seeing the smoke from the Pentagon from MILES away.

I still remember.....

Here is my post from last year on this very day.

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9/11 Pentagon Memorial

Where do I even begin...one thing I can say is that my eyes are still burning from all the tears.

I was blessed today to be able to attend the Pentagon 9/11 Memorial Dedication Ceremony.

I have been stationed out of the Pentagon for 3 years and was privileged to receive a ticket to witness first hand the unveiling of the Pentagon 9/11 Memorial.

My day started at 5a.m. I got dressed in my BDU's and hopped a ride to the Metro. The mood was a solemn one.

It was still dark as I caught rode the Metro to the Pentagon Entrance. Once arriving there I was awestruck by the amount of people, both military and civilian that were already lining up at 6 a.m. to witness this once in a lifetime event.

I couldn't believe I was going to be taking part in history.

My tribute to the victims really started Saturday when me and my girlfriend participated in the 4th Annual Freedom Walk that started at the Women's Memorial at Arlington Cemetery and ended after a 1-Mile walk to the Pentagon South Parking.

Every year at this time I get sad just thinking that you never know when you or your loved ones lives will be snatched.

Being military makes me that much more tearful because I know that I am doing good for my country and keeping my daughter safe.

Enjoy the pictures....and NEVER FORGET!

What I Say SHOULD Go

Being a parent can be hard. We all know this. Being a step-parent can be really hard.

There are always times when a child will try to play one parent against the other and more times when they try to play the grandparents against the parents.

But what am I supposed to do when the step-child plays the step-mom against the mother-in-law.

Pull my hair out is what I want to do.

Let me explain.

D is the first grandbaby. Naturally she will be the shining star. The fact that she isn’t here on a regular basis makes the spoiling that much worse.

She gets away with more than I see necessary from all parties involved.

But as she approaches 9 and Lael is learning habits from here I am becoming fed up with some of the behavior.

Quite often me and the kids will drive to the MIL’s house and stay the night. We’ll watch movies and order pizza and just enjoy each other’s company.

But mostly every time we are together at my MIL’s, D feels that she can do what she wants.

What doesn’t help is that my MIL doesn’t seem to notice that we are being played.

Case and Point:

I tell the girls to put on their pajamas and then they can play/watch a movie, etc.

I go upstairs and see Lael doing what I said but where is D? In her grandmothers room showing her how to brush her dolls hair.

I go in and tell her to do what I said. And do you know what happens next? Do ya?

My MIL tells me that she’s showing her something, turns around and tells her to finish what she was showing her.

What the fuck.

Another Case and Point:

My MIL bought white tank tops for the girls so they would have matching shirts for pictures. She bought 1 pack and since Lael needed new ones for the Fall I said that I would keep them so that I don’t have to buy any.

D’s mom never puts them on her so there would be no need for her to keep any. I made this point and D tried to argue with me that she does wear them. I shut her down and explained that in the almost 9 years that she’s been on earth her mother has NEVER send undershirts/tanks to go under her shirts.

I thought that was the end of it and told the kids to pack their bags and for Lael to put the shirts in her suitcase. Well a few minutes later they come down and my MIL says she gave D 2 and Lael 2.

I thought I had made myself clear. But apparently when they went upstairs D whined to my MIL about it and she gave her what she wanted.

It wasn’t about the shirts it was about not wanting Lael to have something that she didn’t have. I was pissed. So I went upstairs and put ALL of them in D's bag. I told Lael I would just buy her new ones.

Am I being sensitive because I thought it was kind of disrespectful. The last time I checked, I was the parent.

And being the parent, she should have done what I said first and then what she wanted to second.

Scenarios like this happened quite a few times between Sunday and Monday.

The thing is, I don’t have this problem with Lael. She knows better. It doesn’t matter what grandma or anyone else says. She’s gonna do what mom said first.

Is it D playing me? Is my MIL playing me?

I explained to hubby that is seems like whenever we are around her she forgets that I am the parent but more so with D not Lael. She hardly steps in when I’m correcting her.

I feel like because I am the step-mother I am not taken seriously and that she feels she has more of a say so than I do. Am I crazy?

What should I do?

Because I Forgot .....

.....to post this picture back in July. 

3 Months Later

From the moment I found out I was pregnant Lael was completely on board.

She rubbed my belly, fetched things for me and grabbed baby things whenever we went to the store.

When Kobi was born she was first to hold him after me and daddy. She has helped wash him, clothe him, entertain him, push him in the stroller and even feed him.

I have done everything in my power to keep her as involved as possible. Being home with them made it easy for me to balance between the two.

But then I went back to work.

At first I didn't notice a change.

It could be because I was so worried about pumping enough breast milk I didn’t take time to notice the little signs.

The first sign was her wanted to sleep in the bed with me again.

This has always been one of those “things” we’ve struggled with. I allowed her but made her sleep on the other side of me as to not roll on the baby (even though I use a co-sleeper).

The next incident was her randomly crying about random things. When I asked her what was wrong she told me she didn’t want our house to burn down.

A few days later we all went to Kobi’s doctor’s appointment and once we left to get lunch she broke down in the back of the car but could give us no reason.

A few days later the same but this time we were with her grandmother.

She then finally opened up.

“Mommy doesn’t talk to me only Kobi and Daddy doesn’t play with me just Kobi and all he does it tell me to hush while Kobi is sleeping.”

I think I heard my heart actually shatter into tiny little pieces.

This is the whole reason I questioned having another child. Because I didn’t want to put her through THIS.

I don’t want her to ever feel as if she’s on the back burner. I know that change has to happen in her life but I didn’t want it to be too drastic.

I guess that’s asking too much.

I try to put the baby to sleep and then just focus on her. Whether it’s watching her favorite show with her or just listening to her tell me a crazy story.

But is it enough. I’m afraid of what I may be doing to her. It’s always just been the two of us and now I’ve added another child.

It’s totally my fault and now I’m trying to balance the two.

I just don’t know how.....

In Which I Talk About My Boobs

I know I said I would be back the last 2 posts. And I'm trying. I really am.

I compose posts in my head everyday but it's the sitting down and typing them out part that's hard.

So, I've been back to work for 2 weeks now. I like it. I mean seriously. I leave my house at 7:20 and I'm at my desk by 7:25. How awesome is that.

I get to go home for lunch everyday and cuddle with the baby and that is awesome too.

But let me tell you what isn't awesome.

Having to leave my baby.

It was horrible.

The fact that I was nursing and would now have to pump more often than not was really getting to me.

I have to admit though, my new office knew I was just getting off of maternity leave and had an empty office set up for me to pump in.

They even made me a "Do Not Disturb" sign and had a door jammer so that I wouldn't be walked in on by mistake.

They rock big time.

Even with all that said, I will never forget my first day pumping at work.

I took my insulated bag including the pump and empty milk storage bags and walked down the hallway.

I opened the door and looked around. There sat an unoccupied desk, an unused filing cabinet, and a table with two empty chairs surrounding it.

Behind the desk there are windows but you can't see outside because the curtains are pinned closed for security reasons.

I sat my bag down and just stood in the middle of the room for a second.

Finally, I sat down at the table and took off my top.

I hooked myself up to the pump and waited.

I don't know how long I sat there before I realized my pants were getting wet.

I thought maybe I was leaking. I took a look and sure enough I was.

Only I wasn't leaking milk. I was crying.

I didn't even realize I was crying.

Here I was sitting in and empty office pumping milk instead of being home nursing my baby.

I didn't think I could do it but I did. I pumped like the best of them and when 11:30 came around I almost ran people off the road driving home to nurse him during my lunch hour.

I cried then too. This time knowingly. I knew it would be hard but I had no idea it would have been THAT hard.

Since then I've been pumping at work twice a day. Nursing him everyday during lunch and in the evenings.

Things were going well until last Thursday.

My hubby informed me that Kobi was now drinking two bags in one feeding. I thought I would just pump more but my body didn't get that memo.

Slowly I've been watching the freezer supply diminish while I've been walking around with raw nipples trying to get every last drop of liquid gold out that I could.

Then yesterday it happened.

I ran out of milk. Both in the freezer and in my breasts.

He emptied them. But yet he continued to scream.

So I did what any other mother would have done.

I gave him formula.

And.It.Broke.Me.

To pieces.

I don't know why I took it so hard. I felt as if I had already left him to go back to work but now I wasn't even able to feed him properly.

Don't give me a pep talk because I already know I'm being crazy but it's how I felt.

He finished that formula and then looked up at me and smiled. A smile so big that milk ran out of the side of his mouth.

How could I not be happy with my decision.

I've still not given up. I nursed him in the middle of the night, this morning and again at lunch. I just might need a little extra help from the formula until my milk catches up.

I am not fully OK with this but I'm pressing forward just the same.

Thank you for all those on Twitter who gave me words of encouragement and all kinds of tricks to try. I have drank beer, power-pumped, pumped in the shower, eaten oatmeal, and had expressed.

I will continue to fight the good fight until my boobs scream uncle.

Because seriously. He's totally worth it.

Because I Saw A Picture of Myself

I had been hesitant about working out since having the baby.

The C-Section really kicked my butt and I didn't want to do too much too fast.

I mean I have been walking since about the second week but I mean really working out.

My husband has been...ahem...encouraging me. But I politely told him to suck it.

Well the other day I was finally uploading old pictures that had been stuck in my camera while my computer was down.

What I saw scared me.  Well one photo in particular.  I mean looking at it I know that Kobi was only 2 weeks old but still.

Pay no attention to my brother and dad the look good.  Look at the whale on the left.  I mean seriously.

I knew going into this pregnancy that I would be the heaviest I've ever been but I had NO IDEA.

I know I know.  You all think I'm crazy, I mean I know I just had him.  And I'm ok with that.  But now I will be going back to work soon and it's time to get off my ass.

Don't get me wrong, I have dropped about 20lbs the last 10 weeks but I would seriously like to drop 25 more. 

So here begins my weight loss journey...again. 

So how did you do it?  How did you loose your pregnancy weight.  Please share.