3 Months Later

From the moment I found out I was pregnant Lael was completely on board.

She rubbed my belly, fetched things for me and grabbed baby things whenever we went to the store.

When Kobi was born she was first to hold him after me and daddy. She has helped wash him, clothe him, entertain him, push him in the stroller and even feed him.

I have done everything in my power to keep her as involved as possible. Being home with them made it easy for me to balance between the two.

But then I went back to work.

At first I didn't notice a change.

It could be because I was so worried about pumping enough breast milk I didn’t take time to notice the little signs.

The first sign was her wanted to sleep in the bed with me again.

This has always been one of those “things” we’ve struggled with. I allowed her but made her sleep on the other side of me as to not roll on the baby (even though I use a co-sleeper).

The next incident was her randomly crying about random things. When I asked her what was wrong she told me she didn’t want our house to burn down.

A few days later we all went to Kobi’s doctor’s appointment and once we left to get lunch she broke down in the back of the car but could give us no reason.

A few days later the same but this time we were with her grandmother.

She then finally opened up.

“Mommy doesn’t talk to me only Kobi and Daddy doesn’t play with me just Kobi and all he does it tell me to hush while Kobi is sleeping.”

I think I heard my heart actually shatter into tiny little pieces.

This is the whole reason I questioned having another child. Because I didn’t want to put her through THIS.

I don’t want her to ever feel as if she’s on the back burner. I know that change has to happen in her life but I didn’t want it to be too drastic.

I guess that’s asking too much.

I try to put the baby to sleep and then just focus on her. Whether it’s watching her favorite show with her or just listening to her tell me a crazy story.

But is it enough. I’m afraid of what I may be doing to her. It’s always just been the two of us and now I’ve added another child.

It’s totally my fault and now I’m trying to balance the two.

I just don’t know how.....

In Which I Talk About My Boobs

I know I said I would be back the last 2 posts. And I'm trying. I really am.

I compose posts in my head everyday but it's the sitting down and typing them out part that's hard.

So, I've been back to work for 2 weeks now. I like it. I mean seriously. I leave my house at 7:20 and I'm at my desk by 7:25. How awesome is that.

I get to go home for lunch everyday and cuddle with the baby and that is awesome too.

But let me tell you what isn't awesome.

Having to leave my baby.

It was horrible.

The fact that I was nursing and would now have to pump more often than not was really getting to me.

I have to admit though, my new office knew I was just getting off of maternity leave and had an empty office set up for me to pump in.

They even made me a "Do Not Disturb" sign and had a door jammer so that I wouldn't be walked in on by mistake.

They rock big time.

Even with all that said, I will never forget my first day pumping at work.

I took my insulated bag including the pump and empty milk storage bags and walked down the hallway.

I opened the door and looked around. There sat an unoccupied desk, an unused filing cabinet, and a table with two empty chairs surrounding it.

Behind the desk there are windows but you can't see outside because the curtains are pinned closed for security reasons.

I sat my bag down and just stood in the middle of the room for a second.

Finally, I sat down at the table and took off my top.

I hooked myself up to the pump and waited.

I don't know how long I sat there before I realized my pants were getting wet.

I thought maybe I was leaking. I took a look and sure enough I was.

Only I wasn't leaking milk. I was crying.

I didn't even realize I was crying.

Here I was sitting in and empty office pumping milk instead of being home nursing my baby.

I didn't think I could do it but I did. I pumped like the best of them and when 11:30 came around I almost ran people off the road driving home to nurse him during my lunch hour.

I cried then too. This time knowingly. I knew it would be hard but I had no idea it would have been THAT hard.

Since then I've been pumping at work twice a day. Nursing him everyday during lunch and in the evenings.

Things were going well until last Thursday.

My hubby informed me that Kobi was now drinking two bags in one feeding. I thought I would just pump more but my body didn't get that memo.

Slowly I've been watching the freezer supply diminish while I've been walking around with raw nipples trying to get every last drop of liquid gold out that I could.

Then yesterday it happened.

I ran out of milk. Both in the freezer and in my breasts.

He emptied them. But yet he continued to scream.

So I did what any other mother would have done.

I gave him formula.

And.It.Broke.Me.

To pieces.

I don't know why I took it so hard. I felt as if I had already left him to go back to work but now I wasn't even able to feed him properly.

Don't give me a pep talk because I already know I'm being crazy but it's how I felt.

He finished that formula and then looked up at me and smiled. A smile so big that milk ran out of the side of his mouth.

How could I not be happy with my decision.

I've still not given up. I nursed him in the middle of the night, this morning and again at lunch. I just might need a little extra help from the formula until my milk catches up.

I am not fully OK with this but I'm pressing forward just the same.

Thank you for all those on Twitter who gave me words of encouragement and all kinds of tricks to try. I have drank beer, power-pumped, pumped in the shower, eaten oatmeal, and had expressed.

I will continue to fight the good fight until my boobs scream uncle.

Because seriously. He's totally worth it.

Because I Saw A Picture of Myself

I had been hesitant about working out since having the baby.

The C-Section really kicked my butt and I didn't want to do too much too fast.

I mean I have been walking since about the second week but I mean really working out.

My husband has been...ahem...encouraging me. But I politely told him to suck it.

Well the other day I was finally uploading old pictures that had been stuck in my camera while my computer was down.

What I saw scared me.  Well one photo in particular.  I mean looking at it I know that Kobi was only 2 weeks old but still.

Pay no attention to my brother and dad the look good.  Look at the whale on the left.  I mean seriously.

I knew going into this pregnancy that I would be the heaviest I've ever been but I had NO IDEA.

I know I know.  You all think I'm crazy, I mean I know I just had him.  And I'm ok with that.  But now I will be going back to work soon and it's time to get off my ass.

Don't get me wrong, I have dropped about 20lbs the last 10 weeks but I would seriously like to drop 25 more. 

So here begins my weight loss journey...again. 

So how did you do it?  How did you loose your pregnancy weight.  Please share.

Getting My Groove Back

You know you have a friend for life when you mention your notebook having a virus and she fixes it for you....for free!

So now that I have my electronic baby back I'm ready to get back in the swing of things.

So much has happened in the last 2 months.  Just when I've settled us into a routine, it's time for that routine to change.

As of today, I will be back at work in 13 days. *SIGH*

I can say I will die if I have to leave my baby. But the truth is I will go to work because it's what I have to do to take care of my family.

As of now, Hubby will stay at home with Kobi.  That makes me a little itchy all over.  It's not that he isn't capable of caring for him but you know.  He's my baby!

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Now that I have my computer back I can share these pictures with you all.

Memorial Day

Baby Brother's Graduation

School Block Party

Gettin' Some Sun

First Swim Meet (She doesn't dive, she runs, in the water)

A New Challenge

So once again we had D for part of the summer. She's been here since June 11th. OMGsh she has been the biggest helper. She quick and willing to damn near breastfeed Kobi.

The problem? I forget about Lael.

I don't mean I forget her but I forget that it was her that watched my tummy grow everyday and all she talked about was being able to help with her brother.

Last night I lay in bed and Lael comes in my room. She starts crying and I had no clue what the problem was.

Apparently I've been overlooking her in the helper area. She told me how I gave her diaper job away to D (one that was hers tje first 3 weeks of his life). She said that I always ask D to help me and never her.

She's right. Just because D is quicker and older doesn't make it right.

D will be going home next week and then it will be Lael and Kobi again. She will be my only helper until Aug.

The challenge: Keeping them both involved without any hurt feelings.

Fun times are ahead.

A New Life

This is my new life. Diapers, spit-up, sleep deprivation. And you know what I wouldn't trade it for the world. Just this morning I fed and burped Kobi and what came next made me cry. He stared up at me. And then his eyes squinted and his mouth curled up to the most beautiful smile I've seen. A simple smile.
For a working outside the home mom, 6 weeks ain't shit. If I didn't take more leave days I would be sitting at work today. The thought makes me feel sick. I have 5 more weeks and I will make the best of them. Right now my laptop has a virus so I can't upload pics but you can find them on my Twitter account. For nowi will be enjoying my new life. I once worried that my heart wouldn't be big enough to make room for another child. I now know that the heart doesn't make room, it simply grows bigger. And my bigger heart is full. For now.

The Last 4 Weeks.....

.....have gone by in a flash.

I've missed you guys. I don't know where to begin.

Well....to back things up a bit.  Me and hubby got up on May 14th around 5am and left for the hospital around 6.  We were there by 7 and by 8:30 they were prepping me for the C-Section.

All went well...even the ever so painful spinal tap.  But once the meds kicked in was a walk in the park.  Kobi was born at 9:54am and shortly after I was waiting for them to finish tying my tubes. 

((I can't remember if I told you guys or not but that was our final decision.  NO MORE BABIES....at least none coming out of me.))

I was in my suite by 12 and they sent me home on Sunday May 16th.

Since then I've spent my time doing the usual.  Tending to a recently circumsized penis, getting peed, pooped and spitup on.  Changing diapers and waking up every 2 hrs to put my nipples through more trauma than they should have to bare.

He is a very easy baby.  All he wants is to be fed...ON TIME.  I had to learn the hard way that he also hates to be changed before or after a feeding so I have to change him in between switching boobs.

We are still getting used to having a new person around here.  Lael has been a big help.  She holds him everyday and has recently fed him from a bottle.

D hasn't had much time with him but she will be here for summer break so I'll be sure to teach her how to change a diaper or two.

Hubby is giddy.  He stares at him mostly.  Poking at him like he's a pet.  All I can do is giggle.

I can't believe it's been 4 weeks.  He was 7lbs 11oz when born and 7lbs 5oz when we left the hospital.  I took him back for his 2 week checkup and he was already 9lbs.  I think it's safe to say he will be one of those adorable, make you want to nibble on their cheeks, chubby babies.

As I sit here typing he is laying on my chest but it still doesn't feel real.  I feel like I'm babysitting.  I'm not sure when I will get used to him.

His is all sorts of awesome. 

Here are a few pictures of the last few weeks.....