For The Last Time

I wake up in the middle of the night and feel the little pounds coming from inside me.

I take a drink of water and rub my belly.  He repositions and then calms back down.

Other times I wake up to a starp pain.  It could be an elbow, a foot, who knows.

To have something you love so close to you but not be able to touch it is hard.

To see the little punches but not be able to kiss those little hands.

To feel the foot in your ribs but not yet be able to play with those toes.

It's a miracle.  I sometimes forget that.  That life is a miracle.

I complain about the pains, the big boobs, loss of balance, and many more complaints.

But the thing is.  I am blessed.  So many that would die to carry a baby.

To be able to experience the pains I speak of.  To have the connection that I have.

To love someone you haven't even met yet so much that it pains you.

I worried about my heart being big enough for more than one child.

How silly was I.  God gives you that.  I don't know when it happend.  Maybe right after I heard his heartbeat.

Maybe right after I felt the first flutter.

But it happened.  I am in love.  Just as much as I am with Lael. 

She was sick yesterday and stayed home from school.  I was lucky that I had taken off so I was able to care for her.

I feel blessed for that.

Though cleaning up puke and taking her temp wouldn't be my favorite pastime, I am blessed that she's mine and I get to do that.

I get to nurse her back to health.  My child.  I get to feed this baby in my belly and help him grow until he's ready to be born.

I am blessed.

So it kinda saddens me that this will be my last pregnancy.  I know that I can't afford to have more.  So I will treasure every kick, punch and jab he dishes out. 

I can't stand my desk job but realize my real job is the best one on earth.

Being a mom.  I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Damn it feels good.