From the moment I found out I was pregnant Lael was completely on board.
She rubbed my belly, fetched things for me and grabbed baby things whenever we went to the store.
When Kobi was born she was first to hold him after me and daddy. She has helped wash him, clothe him, entertain him, push him in the stroller and even feed him.
I have done everything in my power to keep her as involved as possible. Being home with them made it easy for me to balance between the two.
But then I went back to work.
At first I didn't notice a change.
It could be because I was so worried about pumping enough breast milk I didn’t take time to notice the little signs.
The first sign was her wanted to sleep in the bed with me again.
This has always been one of those “things” we’ve struggled with. I allowed her but made her sleep on the other side of me as to not roll on the baby (even though I use a co-sleeper).
The next incident was her randomly crying about random things. When I asked her what was wrong she told me she didn’t want our house to burn down.
A few days later we all went to Kobi’s doctor’s appointment and once we left to get lunch she broke down in the back of the car but could give us no reason.
A few days later the same but this time we were with her grandmother.
She then finally opened up.
“Mommy doesn’t talk to me only Kobi and Daddy doesn’t play with me just Kobi and all he does it tell me to hush while Kobi is sleeping.”
I think I heard my heart actually shatter into tiny little pieces.
This is the whole reason I questioned having another child. Because I didn’t want to put her through THIS.
I don’t want her to ever feel as if she’s on the back burner. I know that change has to happen in her life but I didn’t want it to be too drastic.
I guess that’s asking too much.
I try to put the baby to sleep and then just focus on her. Whether it’s watching her favorite show with her or just listening to her tell me a crazy story.
But is it enough. I’m afraid of what I may be doing to her. It’s always just been the two of us and now I’ve added another child.
It’s totally my fault and now I’m trying to balance the two.
I just don’t know how.....