Emotions

Hi friends.

I know it's been a while. I have missed you. The whole 5 of y'all that still read my abandoned blog.

Life has been a whirlwind and I can't seem to steady myself. Lots has happened in the past few weeks.

Let me break it down in no particular order.

Mother's Day: It was a great day. I pretty much stayed home and relaxed. Hubby made me breakfast in the morning and that afternoon we had a picnic with the kids where we were almost attacked by pigeons for our lunchables (classy aren't we?). Later hubby made me dinner. It was lovely except the part where I spoke to my mother. It was great to hear her voice and I sure do miss her. I haven't seen her since December and she lives like 30 minutes away. But that's beside the point.  We chatted for a while and I asked her about my youngest brother.  I hadn't heard from him in about a month. He’s usually good about calling every few weeks and is always on Facebook obsessively. Well I found out why he's been so quiet.

My brother is in jail: My throat closes up just typing that. He is 19 and is the sweetest boy at heart but can't manage to stay out of trouble. He is being charged with some really serious crimes and my heart feels like it's literally breaking. 

I got promoted:  If you’ve read my blog for a while you know that I’ve tested quite a few times with no success.  I was starting to think it would never happen.  Traditionally the results would come out in June for those that scored high enough.  However, I got promoted under a different program.  Basically they do a narrative write up of your career and submit it to a board.  The board picks the ones that they thing are hot shit and they get promoted immediately.  Yes.  Apparently I’m hot shit.  I got a phone call on Tuesday night at home from a 2-star general telling me that I had been selected.  I had to scramble to get new stripes sewn on my uniform but I managed. It’s still unbelievable.  It also comes with a pay raise (around 300 bucks a month I think) so that’s awesome.

My supervisor is retiring: Ugh.  I’ve only been here 8 months and she’s leaving me.  We technically she’s moving across the hall in a non-military position but still the same, she’s leaving me.  This means that I have to take on her duties until they replace her.  Unless they decide I’m the one to replace her because I just got promoted.  Which means they may find someone to replace me.  Which means I will be a supervisor.  Which means OHMYGOD don’t have enough to do already?

I started writing this post yesterday and I was going to tell you all how my dog has been sick.

Well between yesterday and today she has passed away.

My dog died: I had my Cockapoo (Cocker Spaniel and Poodle mix) dog Princess since the summer before I started 10^th grade.  That means I’ve had her just about 15 years.  That’s a long life for a dog.  My dog.  She recently picked her leg and it became a sore.  We cleaned it and wrapped it but she kept picking at it.  We took her in yesterday and for some reason she had developed and infection in her leg which is why she kept picking at it.  It must have been painful.  Between her losing her eyesight, her hearing and just being plain old they decided it would be in her best interest to put her down.

And so it was done.  It’s amazing how quickly the whole process went.  They vet hospital team was very professional and very sweet.  They thanked me for taking such good care of her and bringing her in so that she wasn’t in pain.  But it makes my heart sad.  I can’t remember her NOT being around. And now I look at her water bowl and her leash and feel like a part of our family is missing.

You don’t realize how much animals are a part of your family until you lose one of them.  We haven’t told Lael yet.  She knew Princess wasn’t feeling well and she had been spending time in daddy’s man-cave.  She hasn’t asked about her and I think I’ll wait until next week when we pick up her ashes to tell her.  She’s going to be devastated.  Do y'all remember how she was when Boots died?  Exactly.

Kobi will be 1!:I am full of so many emotions and on top of everything my baby will be one on Saturday.  How did this happen?  How could y'all have let this happen??

I am excited for his party but sad at the same time.  So many things are going on.  I find myself daydreaming more than usual.  I just need things to slow down.  Just a bit.

May We Never Forget

I, like many others am re-posting today. My original post was written in 2008. My heart still hurts from this tragedy and always will....

Every year this day creeps up on me. I know it's September. I am conscious of it but then it's here.

I still remember where I was when it happened.

I still remember the panic that took place in our nation's capital.

I still remember seeing the smoke from the Pentagon from MILES away.

I still remember.....

Here is my post from last year on this very day.

*********************************************
9/11 Pentagon Memorial

Where do I even begin...one thing I can say is that my eyes are still burning from all the tears.

I was blessed today to be able to attend the Pentagon 9/11 Memorial Dedication Ceremony.

I have been stationed out of the Pentagon for 3 years and was privileged to receive a ticket to witness first hand the unveiling of the Pentagon 9/11 Memorial.

My day started at 5a.m. I got dressed in my BDU's and hopped a ride to the Metro. The mood was a solemn one.

It was still dark as I caught rode the Metro to the Pentagon Entrance. Once arriving there I was awestruck by the amount of people, both military and civilian that were already lining up at 6 a.m. to witness this once in a lifetime event.

I couldn't believe I was going to be taking part in history.

My tribute to the victims really started Saturday when me and my girlfriend participated in the 4th Annual Freedom Walk that started at the Women's Memorial at Arlington Cemetery and ended after a 1-Mile walk to the Pentagon South Parking.

Every year at this time I get sad just thinking that you never know when you or your loved ones lives will be snatched.

Being military makes me that much more tearful because I know that I am doing good for my country and keeping my daughter safe.

Enjoy the pictures....and NEVER FORGET!

No Such Thing As Perfect Family

I didn't have a bad childhood.

I didn't have an awesome childhood.

I don't really know where to rate it.

It's hard to say what is "normal" and what isn't.

My life started out with my mom being married to my biological father (who was in the Army) and us living in a few places.

At the time I had an older brother (by 4 years) who was fathered by my mother's 1st boyfriend at 18.  My father was her second an she had me at 22.

Living in Germany, 4 years later, my next brother was born.

I'm not really sure when the abuse started but I do remember it shortly after we came back to the US.

We lived in Oklahoma.  I can remember my Big Wheel, my Cabbage Patch doll and I can also remember hiding under the table when daddy came home.

I can remember seeing him beat her.  I can remember him trying to beat me because I refused to let him hold me.  I remember protecting my brother. 

I can remember looking at my mother one day and asking when we were going to leave daddy.

I remember my mom packing a bag and leaving everything else behind.

We hopped on a bus and rode back to DC to say with my Grandmother.

At some point during all of this me and my younger brother became the best of friends.

We have a connection that I can't seem to explain.

Years later we have watched our mother remarry.  Have another son (10 year younger than me) and gain a step-son as well.

I am not close with any of them to include my oldest brother.  I don't really remember him through my childhood.

Part of that is because at 12 he lied to our school guidance counselor and said that our mother abused us.  We were taken away from her for a short period and shortly after he went to live with is father. 

I can count on 1 hand the amount of times I've seen him since then.

My point is, my family is far from perfect.

I am not close to any of them.  I don't talk to my grandparents or uncles.  I don't know where my cousins are.

My younger brother just got out of a detention center and may or may not graduate high school.

My oldest brother just got out of jail for beating his wife, again.

And my stepbrother, well, lord knows what he's up to.

But then we have Dyon.  How I love him so.  He is my family. And I am his.

He was headed down the wrong path but I grabbed him by the throat and showed him a different life.

He joined the Marines.  Words cannot express how proud I am of him.

A few weeks ago he returned from Iraq and then he flew into DC to be with his family.  Me.

He stayed with me up until yesterday.  He will be going to Afghanistan in April.

While he was here he saw my mom once and I don't think he saw my father or brothers at all.

I am not surprised but it still stings.  He pretends it doesn't bother him, but I know him better.

I have to make up for his family.  I have to be his mom and dad when my parents are too busy with their own lives to remember they have children.

I hugged my brother yesterday morning before he left for his flight.  I gave him a kiss and whispered in his ear how proud I am of him.

He needs to hear that.

No family is perfect and I try to remind myself of that.  But I have my own little perfection and he'll be leaving for war soon and taking a piece of me with him.

Out Of The Picture Vault

Throwback pictures make me smile....almost cry.

Happy Hump Wednesday!

October

I can hardly believe it's Fall already.  It seems like just yesterday Lael was jumping off the diving board.  We were wearing short shorts, (ok, the kids, not me.  Never me.  Ever. Ahem.) riding bikes, eating popsicles and enjoying the warmth of the sun.

It's over.

I mean. The sun will still come out.  But now it's only good for thawing off numb ears and fingers.

Anyway.

As much as I don't like the cold. I do love the changes of the season.  Pretty scarves, pretty hats and gloves.  Colorful leaves.

But before all that comes my favorite month of the year. 

October.

So many joys of October.  My birthday is the 7th.  My husbands is the 9th. My best friends is the 10th. My daughters is the 29th.  Halloween on the 31st.

Fun. Fun. Fun.

Today is the beginning of a non-stop party month.  I'll be 28 this year.  OMG.  It's scary just typing it out. 28.  I don't feel like I've lived 28 years.  I still feel 16.  That's good right?

My hubby will be 34.  Good googah moogah, how am I married to an old man?

But what really pulls at my heart is that my precious girl will be 6.  How is that possible?  Where have the years gone?

Didn't she just say her first word?  Didn't she just get potty trained?  When did she stop saying "Dabby" and start saying "Dad"?

The thing is times goes by right before your eyes.  As much as I love the month of October, I wish the months in between would slow down already.

Sigh.

Oh well. It's here.

Time to party!

Almost 6 Years Later

Jan 2003

I was 21 years old. I had been in the Air Force for 3 ½ years. I had been with my 27 year old boyfriend for 2 ½ years. We loved each other.

We had been through so much together in such a short amount of time. He decided to propose. Well the best way he knew how.

Hiding a ring in the linen closet when I hate doing laundry and NEVER put it away wasn’t the brightest idea. But I found it. We celebrated. We were just beginning our lives together.

Feb 2003

Still 21. No period. No big deal. Sometimes I was late because I exercised so much. Few weeks later still no period. Doctors decided to draw blood just to be sure. I had been on birth control for almost 4 years straight.

Hanging with a neighbor my cell phone rang. Congratulations……is all I heard. I hung up on them. Dear lord please be joking. I cannot be pregnant. I can barely take care of myself.

Too bad. When you pretend to be an adult, adult situations get thrown upon you. Fiance’ is excited. He is already a father to 1 so he’s happy to be a father to OUR child.

The next day. I head down the road to mom’s house. I am nervous. I’m not sure how they will take it. My dad comments about me gaining weight and jokes that I’m pregnant. I don’t laugh back. They stop and stare at me. The yelling begins. The tears fall. I feel ashamed and dirty.

Options are thrown at me. Abortion. Adoption. I will take none. I brought this baby into this situation and will deal with it the right way.

Oct 03

22 days after my 22nd birthday she is born. Everyone’s opinions vanish. This little girl has commanded all the attention. She has brought peace to a stressful and ugly situation.

For almost 6 years she has been the light of everyone’s life. God brought her into our lives for reasons we will never quite grasp.

Sep 09

I am pregnant again. I call mom. She almost runs the car off the road in excitement. Mother-in-law is already planning a baby shower. Husband is wishing it were a boy.

No shame. No yelling. Tears of course, but ALL happy tears.

I will bring another life into this world. I am ready this time. I am prepared.

Bring. It. On.

Fatherhood

I know I've been AWOL for a while but there really has been a lot going on.

Last week when my friend came to visit from Florida but it wasn't a "let's have fun and giggle" type of visit but more of a "my ex husband lost his damn mind and all I got was a day in court" type of visit.

I took off to go to court with her last Wednesday. I knew she had court all along but thought is was her ex taking her to court for the 4th Year In A Row, to get his child support lowered.

I didn't find out until we were in the car on the way to court the REAL reason he dragged her all the way up here to DC.

Ok. I need you to sit down for this one.

He decided that he didn't want to pay child support anymore. But not in the traditional "I'm going to be a deadbeat dad and just not pay" kind of way.

No, no. This fucker got creative. He decided that he would request to have his name REMOVED from his CHILDS birth certificate so that he would no longer have rights to her nor have to pay to help SUPPORT his child.

I can't even explain how sick this made me feel for a number of reasons. One of the main reasons is the memories that flooded back to me.

Finding out that my stepfather wanted to adopt me when I was 14. I hadn't seen my biological father in YEARS but never thought that he would sign his rights over to another man. Oh, he did. Quickly. I think he over nighted the papers. Bastard.

But this case was different. While my friend has recently re-married and has another baby on the way, there was no REQUEST for him to give up his rights. He asked for it!

What makes things worse was when we were in the courthouse waiting area he had the NERVE to ask where she was and demand to see her. I mean immediately after walking out of the judges chambers.

How do you do that. In one breath ask to be erased from a child's life and in the next ask to see her.

I am baffled. I am also grateful. Grateful to my father. Grateful to my husband who has been the best father to both of his girls and who will be a great father to our soon-to-be new baby.

Oh yeah, I did tell yall I was pregnant right? Couldn't end this post on a sour note. :o)

May We Never Forget

Every year this day creeps up on me. I know it's September. I am concious of it but then it's here.

I still remember where I was when it happened.

I still remember the panic that took place in our nation's capital.

I still remember seeing the smoke from the Pentagon from MILES away.

I still remember.....

Here is my post from last year on this very day.

*********************************************

9/11 Pentagon Memorial

Where do I even begin...one thing I can say is that my eyes are still burning from all the tears.

I was blessed today to be able to attend the Pentagon 9/11 Memorial Dedication Ceremony.

I have been stationed out of the Pentagon for 3 years and was privileged to receive a ticket to witness first hand the unveiling of the Pentagon 9/11 Memorial.

My day started at 5a.m. I got dressed in my BDU's and hopped a ride to the Metro. The mood was a solemn one.

It was still dark as I caught rode the Metro to the Pentagon Entrance. Once arriving there I was awestruck by the amount of people, both military and civilian that were already lining up at 6 a.m. to witness this once in a lifetime event.

I couldn't believe I was going to be taking part in history.

My tribute to the victims really started Saturday when me and my girlfriend participated in the 4th Annual Freedom Walk that started at the Women's Memorial at Arlington Cemetery and ended after a 1-Mile walk to the Pentagon South Parking.

Every year at this time I get sad just thinking that you never know when you or your loved ones lives will be snatched.

Being military makes me that much more tearful because I know that I am doing good for my country and keeping my daughter safe.

Enjoy the pictures....and NEVER FORGET!

I Hope I've Done Her Proud

My recent decision to try for another child brought up a question among one of my friends last week.

How did I come up with Lael's name?

Not most of you know this but both my mom and dad are police. When I was younger my mom used to take me on ride alongs.

I got to see really cool things. Riding the streets in the front seat of a police car can be very exciting for a 10 yr old.

Because I was riding along there were a limit of "runs" my mom was allowed to take.

One of the calls she got one day was about a set of sisters having a loud argument.

I remember my mom asking if I felt comfortable enough for her to take the run.

Of course! I wanted to see some action. She left me in the car so that she could confirm it was safe.

She came back down and told me it was ok to come with her into the apartment.

Inside was a set of Arabic sisters. I remember how beautiful they were. Olive colored skin, dark brown eyes, and jet black hair.

While my mom took their statements I wandered around and found a little girl sitting on a blanket playing with toys.

She was equally as gorgeous as the sisters.

I sat down on the blanket and played with the little girl. I immediately fell in love with her.

She had a smile that could light up a room and a laugh that would tickle your bones.

We managed to have a great time even though she didn't understand English.

The sisters had resolved their issue and it was time to leave. My mom had to force me.

Weeks went by and I couldn't stop thinking about her. I begged my mom to let me ride with her so we could go play.

Over and over she refused.

Finally, one day she gave in.

We went to visit and I ended up spending most of the day with them instead of keeping my mom company.

This went on for a few months. Overall I had visited 6 or 7 times.

I don't remember why exactly, but a few more months went by without me being able to see my little friend.

When I finally made it back there I immediately knew something was wrong. She wasn't there.

In all my visits we sat on the blanket and played. The blanket was no longer there.........







My friend had passed away.

Apparently she had been born sick.

I never knew exactly what was wrong but the reason she was always on a blanket was because she couldn't walk.

The argument that had occurred months before between the sisters was about her health.

I was devastated.

I cried. I screamed. I didn't understand how God could take a way a little child.

I clung to the sisters for what seemed like an eternity.

I never found out which one was her mother but I looked at both of them and swore that one day I would grow up.

I would get married.

I would have children.

I knew way back then that my first child would be a girl and I told them that no matter what, I would name my first daughter after her.

Lael

That was her name.

When me and my husband found out we were having a girl, I cried, but not for all the reasons he thought.

Every time someone asks about Lael's name I smile a little.

I lost touch with the sister's. I don't even remember their names.

I wish I could find them to let them know I kept my promise.

I have a feeling either way they knew I would.