Emotions

Hi friends.

I know it's been a while. I have missed you. The whole 5 of y'all that still read my abandoned blog.

Life has been a whirlwind and I can't seem to steady myself. Lots has happened in the past few weeks.

Let me break it down in no particular order.

Mother's Day: It was a great day. I pretty much stayed home and relaxed. Hubby made me breakfast in the morning and that afternoon we had a picnic with the kids where we were almost attacked by pigeons for our lunchables (classy aren't we?). Later hubby made me dinner. It was lovely except the part where I spoke to my mother. It was great to hear her voice and I sure do miss her. I haven't seen her since December and she lives like 30 minutes away. But that's beside the point.  We chatted for a while and I asked her about my youngest brother.  I hadn't heard from him in about a month. He’s usually good about calling every few weeks and is always on Facebook obsessively. Well I found out why he's been so quiet.

My brother is in jail: My throat closes up just typing that. He is 19 and is the sweetest boy at heart but can't manage to stay out of trouble. He is being charged with some really serious crimes and my heart feels like it's literally breaking. 

I got promoted:  If you’ve read my blog for a while you know that I’ve tested quite a few times with no success.  I was starting to think it would never happen.  Traditionally the results would come out in June for those that scored high enough.  However, I got promoted under a different program.  Basically they do a narrative write up of your career and submit it to a board.  The board picks the ones that they thing are hot shit and they get promoted immediately.  Yes.  Apparently I’m hot shit.  I got a phone call on Tuesday night at home from a 2-star general telling me that I had been selected.  I had to scramble to get new stripes sewn on my uniform but I managed. It’s still unbelievable.  It also comes with a pay raise (around 300 bucks a month I think) so that’s awesome.

My supervisor is retiring: Ugh.  I’ve only been here 8 months and she’s leaving me.  We technically she’s moving across the hall in a non-military position but still the same, she’s leaving me.  This means that I have to take on her duties until they replace her.  Unless they decide I’m the one to replace her because I just got promoted.  Which means they may find someone to replace me.  Which means I will be a supervisor.  Which means OHMYGOD don’t have enough to do already?

I started writing this post yesterday and I was going to tell you all how my dog has been sick.

Well between yesterday and today she has passed away.

My dog died: I had my Cockapoo (Cocker Spaniel and Poodle mix) dog Princess since the summer before I started 10^th grade.  That means I’ve had her just about 15 years.  That’s a long life for a dog.  My dog.  She recently picked her leg and it became a sore.  We cleaned it and wrapped it but she kept picking at it.  We took her in yesterday and for some reason she had developed and infection in her leg which is why she kept picking at it.  It must have been painful.  Between her losing her eyesight, her hearing and just being plain old they decided it would be in her best interest to put her down.

And so it was done.  It’s amazing how quickly the whole process went.  They vet hospital team was very professional and very sweet.  They thanked me for taking such good care of her and bringing her in so that she wasn’t in pain.  But it makes my heart sad.  I can’t remember her NOT being around. And now I look at her water bowl and her leash and feel like a part of our family is missing.

You don’t realize how much animals are a part of your family until you lose one of them.  We haven’t told Lael yet.  She knew Princess wasn’t feeling well and she had been spending time in daddy’s man-cave.  She hasn’t asked about her and I think I’ll wait until next week when we pick up her ashes to tell her.  She’s going to be devastated.  Do y'all remember how she was when Boots died?  Exactly.

Kobi will be 1!:I am full of so many emotions and on top of everything my baby will be one on Saturday.  How did this happen?  How could y'all have let this happen??

I am excited for his party but sad at the same time.  So many things are going on.  I find myself daydreaming more than usual.  I just need things to slow down.  Just a bit.

Flawed Mother

Lael’s been having a hard time lately.

The newness of having a baby brother has officially worn off. While she does love him and love playing with him, the jealousy bug has set in.

She’s been acting up lately and I’ve been coming down on her hard. I don’t even recognize the child she has been lately. Talking back, deliberately ignoring me, doing the opposite of what I tell her to, rolling her eyes, huffy breathing. I’m used to her showing out here and there but it’s been a little out of control.

My first thoughts are always, “it’s a phase”, but I thought a little harder about it this time. I had to figure out what was really bothering her.

Then the other night, I snapped. I had had enough. She pushed me to my limit and I spanked her. I haven’t spanked her in a very long time. I had given up on spanking. Swore it off forever.

I was wrong. While her actions were completely out of control, how were mine any better?

Later that evening we snuggled in bed and we talked. She cried about how everything is about Kobi. She explained how she was upset that she was the small cute one anymore. That she always has to be quiet because he’s sleeping. We can’t do certain things because Kobi is too small. Kobi, Kobi, Kobi.

She broke down in tears and my heart hurt. This is the exact opposite of what I wanted to happen. I wanted her to feel the love of having a sibling at home full time. I wanted her to learn the responsibility of helping out.

I once again question my decision. Have I ruined her. She told me that she doesn’t want Kobi to get in the middle of our love and friendship. What do you say to that? I was speechless.

I need to do better. I am filled with so much guilt. If she only knew how much I love her. How nothing could ever take away the joy she has given me. How I am a better mother to Kobi because of what she has taught me.

She’s too young to understand now but I hope one day she will.

In the meantime, I hope she’s forgiving of me.

Moms are flawed too.

Average Work

Lael got her report card on Friday.  I’ve been making up excuses for the past year or so on why her report cards haven’t been the greatest.  I’m not sure what I expect.  Part of my problem is that I am not a fan of the grading system that is used.  I need to see a letter grade.  Instead I get a N for Not Introduced, a D for Developing, or an S for Secure.  From the end of last year up until now she has mostly D’s.    

A few weeks ago Lael asked me what an F was on her test. I explained that it meant she failed. That she had too many wrong answers.  She was very upset about this. I emailed her teacher and found out that the class had taken a unit math test and many of the kids did poorly.  It annoys me because that means that some kids did fine. Mine was not one of them.  Her teacher explained that Lael KNEW this stuff but rushed and made simple mistakes.  This annoys me as well.  It doesn’t matter what she KNOWS.  If she can’t pass her tests it doesn’t matter.  She assured me that she was going to go over the test with the class and have them retake it.

Along with the report card a progress folder was sent with class assignments and tests from the past quarter.  Included was that test and the retake.  She went from an F to a B.  Even then she made silly mistakes.  She does very well in spelling.  Some tests she got every word correct plus the bonus words. 

Maybe I have to come to the realization that this is who she is.  She does just enough.  She has two smart parents and she is fully capable but I know in my gut that she can do better.  Do I push her? Is this something she has to want for herself?

I asked her teacher to send extra work home so that I can practice with her.  Part of me doesn’t even want to bother because she will mumble and groan the entire time. 

Have any of you had this experience? A smart child who doesn’t seem to focus and apply themselves?

I am at a loss. I don’t want a child that is just getting by.  What makes it even worse is that she is compared to her sister. The one that gets Above Average marks on every report card. The one that is doing math and reading at a grade above where she should be.

I know every child is different but they are equally smart. What should I do?

Help!

The Dreamhouse

Every year there is that one hot Christmas item that drives me crazy.

The past few years have been especially difficult because, well, we’re broke.

I mean I know we are ALL broke but I’m broke broke.

So you can imagine my pain when Lael and D both put the Barbie Dream Townhouse on their lists last year. It was around $145.

If you remember, we ended up getting both of the girls DSI’s so the Barbie house didn’t make the cut.

So, naturally when Lael gave me her list this year that damn house was on the top of the list again.

Then I was torn. Torn because it was on her sister’s list again.

Then I told my brother about it.

Him being the hero that he is (figuratively and literally) , he decided to help me pay for it.

I decided to leave the guilt behind me because the fact it Lael deserves it and I’m going to make sure she gets it and deal with everything else later.

So then began the hunt.

Apparently Wal-Mart sold it for $125 but they were sold out.

Target had it going for $130 but they were sold out.

Toys R Us had it in stock but for $179.

Amazon had it in stock for $159.

Damn. I obsessively checked these websites over the last few days waiting for them to restock or put them on sale.

So after talking to my brother I decided to order from Amazon before they ran out.

I went online to order but decided to check Target one more time.

Guess what?

They had them in stock. And on sale.

On sale for $123. And get this: FREE SHIPPING!!!

But it gets better.

I remembered that Lael’s godfather had sent her a $50 gift card so I applied that and my brother only had to pay around 80 bucks.

I feel like I just made Target and Mattel my bitches.

Even though I didn’t.

But if feels like it.

The point is I’m going to have one happy little girl on Christmas morning. (or later depending on the delivery date which ranged from Dec 21st-Jan 6th)

And because I awesome l’m gonna give my brother all the credit.

I know, I’m like a saint or something.

The Pre-Op Appointment

Most of you know that Lael is scheduled to have a Tonsillectomy and Adenoidectomy on Monday.

Wednesday was her Pre-Op appointment.

It was a long day. Long. Very long.

Originally hubby was going to go with me.

Then we decided to leave him and Kobi home.

That morning I somehow ended up taking them both with me. Alone. (Still not sure how he got that one past me.)

Here is a glimpse of our day…….


In the car on the way to the hospital:

Her: “So let me get this straight, I will not be sleeping in the hospital on Monday, right?”

Me: giggle giggle “…..right….” giggle giggle

In the room with the first doctor:

Doc: “So, do you have any more questions?”

Me: “I think that’s it for me, Lael do you have any questions?”

Her: “Yeah, when can we eat.”

In the Pediatric Waiting Room:

Her: “I’m hungry.”

Me: “I know, it shouldn’t be much longer.”

In the room with the 2nd doctor:

Doc: (whispering to me) “Did they tell you she had to have blood taken?”

Me: (panicking and trying to whisper) “NO…..”

Doc: “How does she do with that?”

Me: “I can’t say, she never had to have that done.”

Doc: “How do you think she’ll do?”

Me: “As well as you would expect a 7yr old drama queen.”

Me: “Lael, sit down, and let them take your blood…..pressure.”

Doc: “Ok, now I will take your temperature, I’m just going to rub this thing across your forehead.”

Lael: “Didn’t they just do that in the other room?”

Me: “Ok, great job honey. Now listen. The doctors need to take a teeny bit of blood out of your arm.”

Lael: “……………”

(At this point we negotiated for 10 minutes why this had to be done and which arm and how it wasn’t going to hurt at all)

Lael: “They are going to need a smaller one if they thing they are going to stick that in my arm.”

(The doc then stuck himself and drew his own blood to show her how easy it was.)

Raise your hand if you think she bought it.

Yeah.

After 10 more minutes:

Me: “You have two choices. You give him your arm or we will go downstairs to the Pediatric Clinic where the nurses will hold you down.”

Lael: “How about I just go home.”

I then had to do what any other mother in my position would do (or not).

I sat on her. I held her legs between my legs. I held her arm.

She then proceeded to lose her fucking mind.

She screamed. She hit. She cried. I cried.

They were able to draw the blood.

At one point she told me she was walking home.

In the Pediatric Waiting Room (again):

Her: “I’m hungry.”

Me: “I know, it shouldn’t be much longer.”

3rd Doc: “Is there a Lael here?”

Lael: “I’m not letting anyone else give me shots. I’m not going.”

Me: “You’re not getting any more shots.”

Lael: “I don’t believe you.”

Me to Doc: “Can you please ensure her that she will not be getting any shots or stuck with any needles.”

Doc: “No more shots, I promise.”

In the room with the 3rd doctor:

Doc: “I’m just going to rub this across your head to get your temperature.”

Lael: “Seriously?!”

In the Pediatric Waiting Room (3rd time):

Her: “I’m hungry.”

Me: “I know, it shouldn’t be much longer.”

Her: “Yeah, right.”

Finally the nurse came and got us and went over the patient procedures for Monday.

I took Lael to the cafeteria and got her a burger and apple pie.

I then took her to the store to get her a toy.

Best believe I ensured that they will be putting her ass to sleep BEFORE they put the IV in her arm on Monday.

His Story

I am surrounded by other mothers on a daily basis.

Every one of us has our own story.

Some of us have had it easy.

The fairytale story. Great family, great schools, college, marriage, kids, etc.

Not necessarily in that order.

Some of us have had a more bumpy road.

When I sit on the sidelines at soccer with the other moms I sometimes wonder what happened in each of their lives.

Lives that landed us in the same place at the same time.

I look at the one little boy who can sometimes be OUT OF CONTROL but his parents love him some terrible. I look at them. An older couple.

The lady petite and quiet. The husband large and loud.

They seem so opposite yet so happy. What’s their story I wonder.

There’s the one little blonde girl who is clueless on the field. Her mother doesn’t yell from the sidelines for her to “kick the damn ball already”, but instead has her water bottle ready when it’s break time. She gives her a big hug and tells her how she’s doing such a great job.

Then there the brother and sister. Lael has taken to the sister. They were in Cheerleading together so they are like magnets to one another.

But the brother. There is something a little different about him.

He’s quieter than the others. He runs a little different.

I talk to the mom at every practice but I don’t dare ask.

But yesterday she shared her story with me.

Her story of how her precious baby was born when she had already had a 1 and 3 year old. How she couldn’t get her baby to eat.

How her baby threw up lime green. Stomach acid.

Her baby slept all day.

She took him in at 3 weeks and tried to have her committed for abuse.

They soon learned that her precious boy was allergic to food. Her milk. Formula.

He pretty much starved for the first 6 weeks of his life.

Until they figure it out.

Because of that he has complications.

Things that will be with him always.

My heart hurt for this mom. But I was also proud of her.

Even though he ran with a limp, she didn’t exclude him.

The kids tend to back off when he has the ball, to give him a chance.

I noticed the coach held Lael back yesterday when her boy had the ball.

I didn’t mind.

I knew there was something special about this little boy.

And now I know why we all cheer just a little bit louder when he scores a goal.

Because this is part of his story.

Weekend Recap~Birthday/Halloween Edition

It’s Monday and I am exhausted. I got no rest this weekend. Big surprise.

I took off of work Thursday and Friday so I started my weekend early.

Thursday I got up and headed to Lael’s school. We went on a field trip to a local bookstore where a children’s book author came to read a few of his bat books to them.

After the trip we headed back to the school where Lael shared cupcakes with all her friends to celebrate her birthday.

Friday (Lael’s actual birthday) we got up early for a 7am dentist appointment. I know. I’m an AWESOME mother. Hey, she was out of school that day so I had to take advantage of it.

The original plan was for her to get sealants on her molars. However, after she gagged a few times while they were trying to get x-rays, they decided a cleaning and flouride would do it for the day.

Later that evening we headed to Lael's school for the Annual Halloween Ball. Oh the cute. I mean, come on. It was almost too much for me to handle. And you wouldn’t believe the squeals that I heard when the DJ played Justin Beiber’s “Baby”. Hilarious.

Saturday morning we got up early again and headed to Lael’s soccer game. Her games were usually at 10 but this one was at 9. I don’t know if it was because of the time change or the fact that it was only 40 degrees out but the kids sucked. I mean we kick ass in every game but they sucked bad.

Lael got a bloody lip in the first 10 mins and hit in the eye with the ball in the last 10. And the 20 in between were just horrible. The kids couldn’t wait for their turn to be benched so they could put their coats back on.

Right after the game we headed home to get ready for Lael’s costume bowling party. Fun. Fun. I’m so tired, but oh the Fun! The kids bowled, told scary stories, ate pizza and cake and I sent their cute little asses home.

Grandma took the girls with her after the party so me, hubby and Kobi went home and crashed.

Yesterday I woke up and ate leftover cake for breakfast. It was really that kind of weekend.

I headed out to the store with a friend to get some baby shower decorations. We spend most of our time driving around letting the GPS get us lost and then being stuck in traffic.

By the time we got home, there was just enough time to get Lael to Burger King, come home to eat it and get ready for Trick or Treating.

I got Kobi and her ready and we were out. It was freezing! Wind and all. After about an hour and a half we called it quits.

We were home by 7:30 and I had Lael in the bed with teeth brushed by 9. And then she was up crying about ghost at 9:30. And then she was up again at 10:30. And again at 11.

And here I sit at my computer at work. Just glad to be sitting.

Happy Monday!

Train Of Thought

Sometimes I get to a point where there is so much going on I sit and stare.

I can’t seem to focus on one thing at a  time.

I’ve been worried that Lael has ADD.  How do you know if your child is a child or if your child has a problem.

Her birthday is next Friday and so I have to plan her party.

Except I can’t get the people to RSVP.

Which is a problem because they won’t be able to just “show up” because they won’t be able to get on base.

In addition to that, my hubby thinks that sex is the answer to everything.

My response to that is eww.

The thought of sex grosses me out.

Obviously I have issues and should probably talk to someone about it but who has time to schedule an appointment?

Halloween is next week, which means Thanksgiving is around the corner which means Christmas is almost here which means omfg how is Christmas almost here.

And I need to buy a new tree.

And rob a bank to afford the shit the kids will probably want.

And shit, I need to buy Thanksgiving and Christmas outfits for the girls.  Shit. I forgot I have a baby so I have to get him an outfit too.

Did that bank get robbed yet?

Also, we have mice at work so I’m on edge.

I should not have to work under these conditions!

Also, I have not bought Lael anything for her birthday, you know, the one that’s next week.

Kobi is nursing fine but hasn’t been taking a bottle from hubby lately. I wonder if that’s a problem.

I have to take my PT test next month and haven’t started running yet.  This could pose a problem.

Some point between Thanksgiving and Christmas Lael will have her tonsils and adenoids taken out.

I need to go pump but I’m afraid I might see a mouse.

I can deal with a lot of shit, but that will break me.

Kinda like doing homework with Lael last night.  I almost lost it.

Like flying off the handle.

Maybe I’m the one with ADD…….

Sick Days

I remember the days when I would get sick and could curl up in the bed for a few days and rotate between sleeping and watching daytime television.

That's how things were BC, you know Before Children.

I've been sick the past few days.   You know the kind of sick where you sneeze and snot flies across the room and when you swallow and it feels like you have just downed a shot of nails.

Yeah. That kind.

I've been sick before with things turning out all wrong.

Not only do I still have to take care of the kids but to add to the drama my hubby has gotten sick to.

I'll let that sink in.

He. Has. A. Man-Cold.

It's almost bad enough to make me want to go to work.

Almost.

So even though I have a fridge of pumped milk, I have had no relief.

I couldn't get him to take the baby long enough for me to even take a piss.

I woke him this morning and asked him to get Lael up for school.

He coughed, rolled over, and mumbled something.

To prevent myself from stabbing him in the fucking eyeballs, I got up with the baby and got her up myself.

I walked her to the bus and let the dogs out.

And when I went to let them back in one had a piece of shit stuck to their ass and it got on my floor.

I almost screamed. Instead I made them go back outside and walked my happy ass upstairs.

I am NOT picking it up.

As I type this my hubby is still snuggled in bed.

He can clean the shit when he decides to get up.

It's bad enough I practically have to share my birthday with him, but fuck!

Can I just be sick and watch Jersey Shore in the comfort of my bed?

Guess not.

Things I’ve Learned This Week (And it’s only Wednesday)

In no particular order…..


-I will never get enough sleep. Ever.

-No matter how old they get, males will constantly forget to flush the toilet.

-In addition to flushing, they will also forget to put the seat down, I learned that the hard way.

-Apple Juice molds quickly in a thermos that been left at school for 5 days.

-The baby will trick me into believing he will only wake once at night and when I get used to that idea he will stab me in the back by waking up at 2, 4 and 5 this morning.

-Apparently I’m responsible for keeping up with all my things and knowing what Lael did with all her things as well. Also, I’m expected to be psychic.

-The only time I will have to myself is between 6 and 6:30am. I have learned that it is totally worth getting up early to savor these minutes.

-I haven’t done enough kegels (take that however you please).

-I have no friends (irl) to rescue me. I have 2 friends and they are in NJ and Germany. I am fucked.

-The baby is skilled enough to throw up and manage to get it IN my mouth.

-I am officially a soccer mom. You know the kind that threatens to beat her kid if she doesn’t kick the damn ball. She’ll score 3 goals which makes the sore throat totally worth it.

What things have you learned this week so far? I can’t be the only one.

Please tell me I’m not.

Cloning Myself's Always An Option

I’ve been totally out of it lately.

I thought I had got the swing of things once I started back to work.

I’ve spent the past 6 years being the parent of one kid and then for shits and giggles threw in another.

The thing is I’m not an organized person.

Seriously. It’s bad.

I thought I had my shit together, but then school started back up.

And then soccer started.

And gymnastics will start.

And I’m out of shape.

Note: I totally started P90X and then quit because, seriously, who has time to work out AND watch tv?

Here’s a rundown of my schedule:

6:15-6:20: Get out of the bed with the baby

6:30: Wake Lael up, give baby to hubby, shower

6:45: Take baby back from hubby (because he needs to snooze), get dressed, get Lael together

7:15: Send Lael off to the bus, nurse the baby

7:20: Leave for work (I walk)

7:30-11:30: Work (pump once)

1130-12:30- Walk home for lunch, nurse the baby, walk back to work

12:30-4:30: Work (pump once)

4:30-Walk back home

4:45-Nurse baby

5:00-Help with homework

5:30-6:30-Soccer on Mondays and Wednesdays

6:00-7:00-Finish homework if needed/Dinner

7:00-7:30-Nurse baby/

8:30- Get Lael into bed

After I get Lael in the bed I try to get dishes done, pack her lunch, wash bottles, blah blah blah.

I am in the bed by 10 and I’m exhausted. I need to clean, vacuum, do laundry.

In addition to that I need to start working out, I’m room parent for Lael’s class, and I need to start studying for Tech (my next rank).

I need tips on how to make things work. There doesn’t seem to be enough time in the day.

How do you guys stay organized and sane at the same time?

Why I Blog

The past few weeks I’ve had to remind myself of why I blog.

In the beginning I used my blog as a place to put down my thoughts. Kind of like an online journal.

Slowly it turned into a parenting blog, a mommy blog. A place I could document my child’s life.

I started off with one reader, and then slowly I picked up a few more.

I was happy with that. I was content.

I then started Tweeting and realized the blog world was a huge one.

I started to feel a need to be “accepted” by these other bloggers.

It doesn’t work that easily.

Most of them have their circle of bloggy friends and aren’t open to letting others in there clique.

Most of them have met before and conferences. Conferences am not able to afford.

I found myself Tweeting links to my posts and practically begging for people to comment.

Why?

Why did I feel the need to have validation from others?

I took a break from my blog after I had my son in May.

I had pretty much lost all of my readers (except for the ones who really love me) and began to panic.

Why?

The answer is I don’t know why.

It’s nice to have readers. It’s nice to have comments. But it’s not why I blog.

I had to remind myself of that.

And now I don’t care.

I will no longer post links up on Twitter. My blog link is on my profile. It they want to read they will. Me clogging up their Twitter stream won’t force their hand.

I will blog because I want to remember that Kobi has learned to roll over from his back to his stomach.

I will blog because I want to remember when Lael stopped being a baby and turned into a beautiful young lady.

I will blog because I want to remember when I settled into my parenting role and stopped being afraid.

If I bring a few friends along for the ride, that’s nice.

But at the end of the day I just want to remember.

Who Needs Tonsils and Stuff

Yesterday I made a decision.

Lael will have her tonsils and adenoids removed.

Since she was a baby she has snored like a grown man.

She’d been diagnosed with sleep apnea but me being the overprotective parent I am, decided to ignore it.

I figured she’d grow out of it.

But she hasn’t.

At her last physical, I spoke to her pediatrician about her attention span and her sleep habits.

I explained the Lael has always been a “good” sleeper. Meaning she will sleep to noon everyday if I let her.

Turns out that because she is constantly waking up, she isn’t getting REM sleep. Who knew.

When Lael was younger, she used to wake up EVERY night. I thought it was because she wanted to crawl back into bed with me instead of staying in her own.

A few weeks ago my husband decided to start sleeping in the room with her so we could get a better idea of what was going on.

According to him, she still wakes up EVERY night with her noisy snores and having to sometimes catch her breath.

He says it’s around 1 or 2 in the morning. Every night. No wonder she has a hard time focusing in school or at home for that matter.

Thankfully I had already had an appointment schedules at the ENT clinic.

After looking over her records and giving her an exam, they determined that she had VERY large tonsils and adenoid and they were going to remove them.

This is what I had been afraid of.

They mentioned doing this a few years ago but I thought at 4 was just too young.

Now that she is almost 7 I think I am ready. Well as ready as I can be.

I also wanted her to be old enough to understand what was going to happen.

I only wish my child sleep. Restful sleep.

I’m not sure when the procedure will take place. I have to wait for them to call me to schedule it.

I am looking at the week before Thanksgiving. She’ll have to miss a week of school (which sucks) but she will get to eat ice cream and Jello all day (which rocks).

Have any of your kids had this procedure done? Any advice?

I’m a wimp when it comes to my kids.

Also, hold me.

Who Needs A List

My birthday will be 15 days. I will be 29. Holy shit.

I know most (maybe all) of you are older than me but still.

I am so not ready. Looking back I realized that that I will not complete my 30 before 30 list.

But that doesn’t mean I should give up on it completely.

I’m actually thinking of making a whole new list.

Here is my list from last year.

I now realize I don’t care about some of these things

What things should I add? Did you make a list before you turned 30?

Here’s my list from last year:

1. Visit New York-I live 3 hrs from there but have never been
2. Print out some of my favorite pictures and hang them on my bare walls
3. Get rid of baggage-emotionally and physically
4. Cook a Sunday meal from scratch-preferably beef stew.
5. Bake a cake from scratch
6. Clean out the closet under the stairs-I actually really need to do this BEFORE the baby comes
7. Have my last dog fixed-Can’t take the humping anymore!
8. Go camping with my daughter-Maybe she won’t notice if we do in in the backyard…
9. Eat a piece of fruit everyday for at least a month
10. Buy myself a new wardrobe-I’ll never fit back in my size 3 jeans and after this baby KNOW I really ain’t gonna happen
11. Travel to another country for leisure, not work
12. Finish my Bachelor’s Degree-I’m halfway done!
13. Stop cursing completely-Ok, maybe…
14. Spend a whole day happy and not let anyone or anything ruin it
15. Make Tech Sgt- I work hard and deserve the extra rank
16. Ride a horse, or a pony :o)
17. Go to Vegas and live it up!
18. Take a road trip with a good friend
19. Enter a marathon and finish it
20. Scuba Dive
21. Learn another language-Maybe French since it’s such a romantic language
22. Sing Karaoke in front of people
23. See a dolphin show and swim with them if I’m brave enough
24. Help a stranger without them finding out
25. Go to a spa and get the WORKS!
26. Start a garden and be able to eat something from it
27. Take Lael to the American Girl store in NY and let her splurge
28. Make a grocery list and actually stick to it
29. Wear a bathing suit and not care about what people are thinking
30. Taste coffee….The smell makes me sick but I heard it’s yummy

Here is what I will keep:

1. Visit New York
2. Print out some of my favorite pictures and hang them on my bare walls
3. Go camping with my daughter
4. Buy myself a new wardrobe
5. Make Tech Sgt
6. Enter a marathon and finish it
7. Help a stranger without them finding out
8. Go to a spa and get the WORKS!
9. Wear a bathing suit and not care about what people are thinking
10. Enter a marathon and finish it

That’s a pretty lame list if you ask me.

What’s also sad is that I haven’t completed ANYTHING on that list from last year. How lame is that?

My life is nothing like it was last year at this time. While I sometimes miss how easy things were a year ago, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I now have a new and improved life.

Some things I know will never happen and I’m ok with that.

List or no list. I am happy.

Emergency Plan

Every morning Lael walks to the bus stop with the neighborhood kids that go to her school. 1 set of 2nd grade twins and their older brother who goes to high school. I’m friends with their mother and the oldest looks out for the younger ones.

Lael gets dressed and I open the blinds to wait for the kids to come around the corner and then I send her out and watch them walk down the street.

This has been working perfectly for the past few weeks. But last week something terrible happened.

Lael was dragging a bit and I rushed her around like I’m sure many of you have done before. I looked out the window and did not see the kids and it was getting late.

I told Lael to go ahead maybe they had already walked by. I kissed her and off she went. Shortly after I walked to work. Hubby and the baby were home but he was headed out to his moms right after me.

I get to work and an hour later hubby calls me. Apparently he didn’t leave the house because the baby had spit up and he had to change him. Good thing that happened because guess who walked back in the house.

Lael.

An hour after she had left.

Apparently she missed the bus and had stood at the bus stop for an hour.

Alone.

Well, not totally alone. Other parents and kids were out there for other buses but still. Alone.

I was mortified.

How could I have let this happen? What if my husband had left earlier? What would Lael have done? What was I thinking?

She was hysterical. Crying that she was scared. Cold. And hungry.

I immediately left work and went home to comfort her.

But the guilt. Oh, the guilt.

I’m thankful that we live on base so it’s safer than a lot of other places. But I am also thankful that my child was smart enough to go back home. But I am ashamed that I didn’t have an emergency plan in place for her.

What would she have done if the door was locked and we weren’t home? We have now established an emergency plan.

We hope to never have her use it because we have adjusted our schedules to make sure she gets to that bus.

Friday she didn’t have school but this morning she did. I watched the kids come around the corner and watched her walk down the street with them but this time I waited to see her get on the bus.

I’m sure it won’t happen again but I can’t seem to get rid of the guilt.

Do you all have emergency plans in place for these type of situations?

May We Never Forget

I, like many others am re-posting today. My original post was written in 2008. My heart still hurts from this tragedy and always will....

Every year this day creeps up on me. I know it's September. I am conscious of it but then it's here.

I still remember where I was when it happened.

I still remember the panic that took place in our nation's capital.

I still remember seeing the smoke from the Pentagon from MILES away.

I still remember.....

Here is my post from last year on this very day.

*********************************************
9/11 Pentagon Memorial

Where do I even begin...one thing I can say is that my eyes are still burning from all the tears.

I was blessed today to be able to attend the Pentagon 9/11 Memorial Dedication Ceremony.

I have been stationed out of the Pentagon for 3 years and was privileged to receive a ticket to witness first hand the unveiling of the Pentagon 9/11 Memorial.

My day started at 5a.m. I got dressed in my BDU's and hopped a ride to the Metro. The mood was a solemn one.

It was still dark as I caught rode the Metro to the Pentagon Entrance. Once arriving there I was awestruck by the amount of people, both military and civilian that were already lining up at 6 a.m. to witness this once in a lifetime event.

I couldn't believe I was going to be taking part in history.

My tribute to the victims really started Saturday when me and my girlfriend participated in the 4th Annual Freedom Walk that started at the Women's Memorial at Arlington Cemetery and ended after a 1-Mile walk to the Pentagon South Parking.

Every year at this time I get sad just thinking that you never know when you or your loved ones lives will be snatched.

Being military makes me that much more tearful because I know that I am doing good for my country and keeping my daughter safe.

Enjoy the pictures....and NEVER FORGET!

In Which I Talk About My Boobs

I know I said I would be back the last 2 posts. And I'm trying. I really am.

I compose posts in my head everyday but it's the sitting down and typing them out part that's hard.

So, I've been back to work for 2 weeks now. I like it. I mean seriously. I leave my house at 7:20 and I'm at my desk by 7:25. How awesome is that.

I get to go home for lunch everyday and cuddle with the baby and that is awesome too.

But let me tell you what isn't awesome.

Having to leave my baby.

It was horrible.

The fact that I was nursing and would now have to pump more often than not was really getting to me.

I have to admit though, my new office knew I was just getting off of maternity leave and had an empty office set up for me to pump in.

They even made me a "Do Not Disturb" sign and had a door jammer so that I wouldn't be walked in on by mistake.

They rock big time.

Even with all that said, I will never forget my first day pumping at work.

I took my insulated bag including the pump and empty milk storage bags and walked down the hallway.

I opened the door and looked around. There sat an unoccupied desk, an unused filing cabinet, and a table with two empty chairs surrounding it.

Behind the desk there are windows but you can't see outside because the curtains are pinned closed for security reasons.

I sat my bag down and just stood in the middle of the room for a second.

Finally, I sat down at the table and took off my top.

I hooked myself up to the pump and waited.

I don't know how long I sat there before I realized my pants were getting wet.

I thought maybe I was leaking. I took a look and sure enough I was.

Only I wasn't leaking milk. I was crying.

I didn't even realize I was crying.

Here I was sitting in and empty office pumping milk instead of being home nursing my baby.

I didn't think I could do it but I did. I pumped like the best of them and when 11:30 came around I almost ran people off the road driving home to nurse him during my lunch hour.

I cried then too. This time knowingly. I knew it would be hard but I had no idea it would have been THAT hard.

Since then I've been pumping at work twice a day. Nursing him everyday during lunch and in the evenings.

Things were going well until last Thursday.

My hubby informed me that Kobi was now drinking two bags in one feeding. I thought I would just pump more but my body didn't get that memo.

Slowly I've been watching the freezer supply diminish while I've been walking around with raw nipples trying to get every last drop of liquid gold out that I could.

Then yesterday it happened.

I ran out of milk. Both in the freezer and in my breasts.

He emptied them. But yet he continued to scream.

So I did what any other mother would have done.

I gave him formula.

And.It.Broke.Me.

To pieces.

I don't know why I took it so hard. I felt as if I had already left him to go back to work but now I wasn't even able to feed him properly.

Don't give me a pep talk because I already know I'm being crazy but it's how I felt.

He finished that formula and then looked up at me and smiled. A smile so big that milk ran out of the side of his mouth.

How could I not be happy with my decision.

I've still not given up. I nursed him in the middle of the night, this morning and again at lunch. I just might need a little extra help from the formula until my milk catches up.

I am not fully OK with this but I'm pressing forward just the same.

Thank you for all those on Twitter who gave me words of encouragement and all kinds of tricks to try. I have drank beer, power-pumped, pumped in the shower, eaten oatmeal, and had expressed.

I will continue to fight the good fight until my boobs scream uncle.

Because seriously. He's totally worth it.

A New Challenge

So once again we had D for part of the summer. She's been here since June 11th. OMGsh she has been the biggest helper. She quick and willing to damn near breastfeed Kobi.

The problem? I forget about Lael.

I don't mean I forget her but I forget that it was her that watched my tummy grow everyday and all she talked about was being able to help with her brother.

Last night I lay in bed and Lael comes in my room. She starts crying and I had no clue what the problem was.

Apparently I've been overlooking her in the helper area. She told me how I gave her diaper job away to D (one that was hers tje first 3 weeks of his life). She said that I always ask D to help me and never her.

She's right. Just because D is quicker and older doesn't make it right.

D will be going home next week and then it will be Lael and Kobi again. She will be my only helper until Aug.

The challenge: Keeping them both involved without any hurt feelings.

Fun times are ahead.

Guess Who Called Me?

If you guessed my mother finally broke down and called me you would be wrong.

My father did.

We didn't speak about my mom or why she has cut me and my brothers off.

He simply wanted to drop off an Easter basket. Not for both the girls but just for Lael. They barely acknowledge D.

He asked if Lael needed anything and we arranged for a time for him to come by.

At no point did he ask how I was doing.

I literally cried when I typed that sentence. He didn't care to even ask about me.

I am struggling friends. My head tells me to be strong but my heart is soft, therefore it's bruised easily.

And this too shall pass....I know this.

But damn I wish it would hurry already.

And Then I Fussed At Him

So I started feeling sick Monday night.

I think it was a combination of my commute into work everyday (on the nasty metro) and all the running around I've been doing.

I'm sure it also didn't help that I had a friend come over last Sunday that left and said she got sick later that evening and hoped she didn't pass it on to me.

Either way, after coaching Lael's practice I came home and felt a little off.

My stomach kept getting tight and I figured I just needed to eat.

I tried to sit and watch tv but no matter what position I sat in I could not get comfortable.

I felt a little cold, so I tried to take a shower but when I felt like I was going to pass out I sat down and took a bath instead.

Shortly after I started to feel really queasy.

I tried to lay in bed but no matter how I positioned myself I felt naseous and my stomach was in pain.

Hubby got me water and crackers but nothing seemed to help.

I had to prop my pillows so that I was sitting straigh up. I was the only comfortable position.

Well I must have dozed off because I woke up a few hours later and got that metal taste you get right before you vomit a kidney.

I don't know how I managed to roll out of be so quickly but I made it to the toilet in time to avoid any cleanup.

Seriously. I'm not a puker. I haven't puked like that since my first time getting drunk back in uh....2000.

It.Was.Horrible.

I was sure if I dry heaved any more, Bubby would come right out of my mouth.

I made it back to bed but then woke with chills, and a fever. And still my stomach kept cramping.

I managed to get to Labor and Delivery where they took blood, and urine. They gave me an IV of fluids and hooked me up to montitor the baby.

The nurse stops and says. "Did you feel that?" I told her I did. "You're having contractions." Well shit, now I know what the pain in my stomach was. Duh.

So then of course I get 2 doctors that come in examining me and my lady areas. Checking my cervis and all that good stuff.

Everything was good and once the fluids kicked in, the contractions died down.

It was scary for a while because he's not ready. I'm not ready.

I made it home with medication and strict orders to rest, but had contractions the rest of the day.

I had a talking with this boy.

I told him he will NOT come right now. He WILL behave. And he WILL stop giving me contractions.

So far so good. But don't think I'm beneath fussing at him again if I have to.