Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Letting Go

I don't know if I've explained me and my mother's "unique" relationship.

We go up and down. Round and round.  I love her. Don't get me wrong but our relationship is not a normal one.

She didn't support me getting married, screamed when she found out I was goint to be a stepmom, freaked when she found out I was pregnant and has been comparing me to my cousins who went to college instead of going in the military like I did.

She actually didn't show up to the courthouse when we got married.  "That wasn't a wedding" are her words when it's brought up.

We fought when I got pregnant with Lael and she tried to talk me into having an abortion.

I refused.

She has adored Lael since she was born but that turned into her treating her like it was her child instead of her grandchild.

We've had many battles.

I've dealt with it because my mom had a hard life.

Not many are aware of this.  My husband doesn't hate her but I would say STRONGLY dislikes her.

I understand his feelings but yet I will never let her out of my life, she's my mom.

My mom was abused by her mother, raped by her mom's boyfriends, got pregnant at 18, moved out with her drug addict boyfriend, left him for my dad and got married.

My biological father was in the Army at the time.  She had me and we lived around the world.  I watched her get beat and took a few beatings myself.

I could go on and on. 

She eventually packed her things and left him.

We moved back to DC where we (her, me and my 2 brothers) shared a 1 bedroom apartment in the poorest neigborhood she could afford.

I helped her study to become a police officer and thats what she's been for the past 20 somthing years.

The thing is I know how good she can be but I've also seen the bad side of her.

I've been beat by her.  Called a bitch. Kicked and verbally abused.

But I deal with it.

My point is, I didn't make it to her house for Christmas this year.  It wasn't because I didn't want to go but I was feeling sick.

I tried to call later and come but no answer.

She called New Year's Eve around 3. I was sleep and called her back around 6. 

She didn't answer.  She never called me back.  I didn't expect her to.

I tried to call her to let her know I'm having a baby boy.  She didn't answer.

I texted her.  She texted me back: "K."

What kinda fucking response is that?

The kind I expect from her when she is angry with me.

But what's different this year is that I'm letting go.

She will eventually come around but I will not longer let her hurt me.

I will no longer let it determine my actions.

It has taken me this long to realize that she is never going to change but I can so my friends....

I'm letting go.


  1. I think "letting go" is a lesson that so many of us could learn from.

    Once you find peace in your life, it's so hard to go back to something that's not. I can't say as though I blame you for taking a step back and letting her deal with her issues and I know I don't blame your hubby, who is probably sick of watching you hurt because of her words and actions.

    I hope she is able to see the good that you are making out of your life, in spite of how it used to be.

    Well done.

  2. :)~~you are the best and for that I love you! Enough said~~BIGGEST HUG EVAH!

  3. Wow, you are a strong woman. I know that the things we've been through make us better people...you are the prime example of that. I appreciate your honesty and matter-of-fact approach to everything you talk about. I really do appreciate this post. Good luck my friend.

  4. Wise decision. Enjoy your life and if she wants to share in the joy wonderful, if not no need to hang with her.

  5. You are so wise to save yourself by taking this break.

    You seem to see the full picture, give her credit where it's due and speak up where she has wronged you.

    And now you claim your peace by setting this limit.

    You deserve joy. And Lael and that baby are Joy. I hope at some point she can share it with you.

    Thank you for sharing this post.

  6. I've taken breaks from my mom too, the last one was for a year and a half. I did not miss her and her criticisms.

    She had a hard life too. Lived under Nazi occupation for 4 years as a child. Found one of her sisters dead in the bed they shared. Extreme poverty etc.

    I think she hates her past so much that she takes it out on everyone else. She wants us all to feel like shit. It's so tiresome.

    Good luck and no, they don't ever change.

  7. I bet it is hard because she is your mother! But you are great and you have made decisions that have turn out to be positive. This decision is hard but if it if for the best then so be it!

  8. Oh, I'm sorry that you've had to go through so many hard times with your mom. But it sure sounds like you're making the right decision to me. Hang in there!

  9. Wow. What a powerful lesson and, dare I say, one of the hardest. I'm so sorry for all you have been through, but your self-awareness alone sounds healthier than anything that was modeled to you. I bet you are a very good mom. Best of luck to you.

  10. I feel like you have a super balanced view of the whole thing, and that is wonderful. You get where your mother is coming from (doesn't mean it doesn't hurt) and you do your best to understand her actions from her present state.

    Still, sometimes you have to step back. It's healthier. And since you know she'll come around, it's definitely for the best.


  11. Keyona - you are amazing.

    My mom came from a rough home as well, and like you, she broke the cycle for us. Very rarely does a day go by when I don't appreciate her even more for that. Your kids are going to grow up with the same love and intense respect for you and you totally deserve it.

  12. It's so hard to let go, but sometimes the best for us. Sending you courage and strength, although it seems as if you're doing pretty good as it is!


Those laughing with me...or at me.