Lost Without Her

We all talk about how crazy our lives are. We all can't wait to get a break from the kids sometimes.

I am no different. I was super excited that Lael was going to her MaMa's for a few days.

And then those few days came. And I got lost.

No one to cook for. No one to tickle. No one to kiss my belly and tell it crazy stories.

No one to sneak in my bed. No one to snuggle with.

I quickly forget how my life has tranformed to form around this little girl.

I came home from work yesterday and watched tv in my bed all night. Don't get me wrong, there are tons of things that "need" to be done around here.

I just couldn't. Without Nick in th background or my little helper around to help put dishes away, I had no desire.

Damn I love this kid. Sometimes I'm afraid I love her too much. Just wait until Bubby gets here. I'm gonna be a mess!

My kids are my life. I do adore hubby, that's no question, but my kids keep me going.

I would be lost without them. I would be lost without her.

Question Of The Week

Hey yall!  So today is my last day of work until after Easter. Woot Woot!

I'm taking a few days off to hang with the girls and will probably go to some museums downtown and check out the Cherry Blossoms.

The past few months have been kinda crazy. 

Do yall remember back in Jan my neighbors house caught fire and they lost EVERYTHING.

That made me think hard about this weeks question:

If your home were to be totally destroyed by fire but you could save just one thing, what would it be?

Now I don't think your kids or pets count but an actual object.

I thought hard about this one and I would just grab Lael's baby book.  I think everything else could go.  We could rebuy those things but her baby book has so many things that cannot be replaced I would be devastated to lose it.

What about you?  Don't just read the question either.  Give me an answer people!

Also, I am going to start my own Project 365 where I take pictures everyday.  Anyone done that before?

What's the best way for me to do it? Start a Flick account and add it to my blog? Help.

8 Months

This is my belly as of 6:45 this morning.  It may or may not grow by the end of the day.  That's how it rolls.

As of Saturday I am in my 8th month.  Like for real.

Like I'm about to have another kid.  Like who let this happen? And why so fast?

Some days I can't wait for time to fly by and other's I can't figure out how they flew by so quickly.

I'm wierd like that thanksforasking.

My mood fluxuates between scared, to excited, to nervous, to anxious.

I spent a lot of time with Lael this weekend and I found myself getting sad.

Am I doing the right thing by giving her a sibling.  She has seemed more attached to me these days.

Will she be super jealous or will she fall right into the big sibling role?

What have I done!

She is really excited now but we all know how kids are.  They are all excited for their shiny new toys until they realize they have to clean them up.  Then, not so much.

It's times like these you need your friends and family to reassure you.

I have my friends but as far as family I'm still on the short end.

I know I told you guys about my situation with my mom.  But did I tell you she went to see Lael at school last week.  Yeah.  And did I tell you she had the nerve to pass a message through my child to me.

"Nana told me to tell you that she loves you."  I have no words for that.  Seriously.  I'm speechless.

I am totally not ready for Bubby.  I mean I DO have a carseat and I DO have a stroller and I DO have his bassinett and a few clothes.

Sure as hell hope these "friends" of mine come through at this baby shower because I need stuff. You know like diapers and wipes.

I guess I better get on the ball.

Oh well.

Happy Monday!

Question Of The Week

I think I was supposed to post this yesterday but ya know, it's my blog.

Ok, so this weeks question:

If you had to be trapped in a TV show for a month, which show would you choose?

Wheew! This one was hard for me.

I'm torn between Gossip Girl and Desperate Housewives.

I mean seriously, to be young, rich and have careless sex.  Yeay.

But to be married with my kids, upper middle class and live on a street like Wisteria Lane.  Yeay.

But both have soooo much drama. So I'm not sure.

Maybe Brothers and Sisters.  I've always wanted a big family that was close.  But then again dearlordthedrama!

Ok, your turn. 

What show would you choose?

A Father's Not Always A Dad

I have been really thinking alot about fatherhood being pregnant with my boy.

Me and hubby have got the parenting thing down for girls but now that we are going to bring a man (well not originally, but you get the point) into the world, it's important that we do it right.

There are so many men out there that father children but don't show them what it is to have a dad.

I am optimistic that my husband will do just fine.

Originally posted on March 13, 2009

I haven't touched on fathering much on my blog. It's been on my mind for some time now but it's a really sensitive subject with me.

I didn't grow up in a normal household. My mother married her high school sweetheart, they got married he went in the army and then I was born. I witnessed a bad marriage, abuse, drinking, and overall violence. By the time I was 6 they were divorced. We moved away with my mom and we barely saw him.

He scared me. A child should not be scared of her father. My mom remarried when I was 8. I love my step-father. He adopted me at 14. My father over-nighted the paperwork to give up his rights. It hurt me. Many nights of sitting by the window with my bags packed waiting for him to pick me and my brother up. He never came. I didn't see or hear from him from the time I was 14 until I was 25.

He looked horrible. I saw him in court with my mom. Apparently the back child support he NEVER paid had caught up to him and he didn't want to pay. He had the nerve to drag my mother to court. He cried when he saw me. He asked about my husband and daughter. I told him I forgave him and that he is the one who missed out on a great daughter. He asked about Lael and I got angry. You will never meet my child I told him. You will never have the chance to hurt hurt as deeply as you've hurt me. She deserves the world.

A few months later I ran into him on the Metro. He spotted me and said hello. I said hello back. It was awkward. He got off at his stop and handed me something. It was an old picture of me from when I was 6. He said he's always carried it with him. Sad. I've always carried him in my heart. I just wasn't enough.

I heard he's been married since him and my mom divorced. To the same lady who he had affairs with. I've heard he has a few children by her. I just hope he was a better father to them than he was to me and my brother.

I don't give my husband enough credit sometimes. He drives me nuts and hasn't always done the things I've wanted him to. But one thing I know is that he's not just Lael's father. He's her dad. He gives her kisses and hugs every night. He makes sure he records her special shows. He buys her favorite snacks. He makes sure he buys the right bandaids for her. He always makes her laugh. He's a dad. Every child deserves a dad like him and watching him father her heals my own broken heart a little everyday.

The Party Don't Stop

Ok, so most of you know that I've been coaching little cheerleaders.

While it's been challenging and exhausing and well, you get the point.

But it was all worth it on Saturday when my little ones got out on the court and shook their tailfeathers!

Of course you see Lael is the only one on point. It may or may not be because I made her practice over and over and over again.

And if you look really close in the back you can see a fat whale (that would be me) controlling the music.

All the work the girls put into it was totally worth it.

I may be crazy enough to coach again next year....maybe.




Is this not the cutest crap you ever did see?

No?

If you don't think so you're obviously dead inside. Just sayin'.

Happy Monday!

A New Beginning

Lael came home from school yesterday and mysteriously forgot to give her teacher her folder so didn't have any homework.

I was too excited to be upset so I decided to take advantage of the 72 degree weather.

As I walked to the park it was amazing how differently things look without 2feet of snow.

Baby birds flying around.  Toddlers that I had not seen before were just big enough to walk freely at the park.

All the bigger kids ran wildly. Screaming.  Overwhelmed by the feeling of being let free.

My tulips are showing signs of sprouting.  The trees are ready for their brand new leaves.

I made me think about life's cycle.

We have 4 seasons here in DC.  And those seasons remind me how life is ever evolving.

Things get wild and crazy in the Summer.  They can sometimes blow around in the Fall.  Freeze over in the Winter. But in the Spring it starts all over.

It's like a new beginning.

Wipe your slates clean.

Leave behind whatever things you aren't proud of.  Things you woul like to change.

Spring is here. 

Open your windows.  Take a walk.  Dust off your camera.  Listen to the sounds around you.

Live your life.  Your new life.  Everyone deserves a new beginning.

Happy Friday my friends!

And Then I Fussed At Him

So I started feeling sick Monday night.

I think it was a combination of my commute into work everyday (on the nasty metro) and all the running around I've been doing.

I'm sure it also didn't help that I had a friend come over last Sunday that left and said she got sick later that evening and hoped she didn't pass it on to me.

Either way, after coaching Lael's practice I came home and felt a little off.

My stomach kept getting tight and I figured I just needed to eat.

I tried to sit and watch tv but no matter what position I sat in I could not get comfortable.

I felt a little cold, so I tried to take a shower but when I felt like I was going to pass out I sat down and took a bath instead.

Shortly after I started to feel really queasy.

I tried to lay in bed but no matter how I positioned myself I felt naseous and my stomach was in pain.

Hubby got me water and crackers but nothing seemed to help.

I had to prop my pillows so that I was sitting straigh up. I was the only comfortable position.

Well I must have dozed off because I woke up a few hours later and got that metal taste you get right before you vomit a kidney.

I don't know how I managed to roll out of be so quickly but I made it to the toilet in time to avoid any cleanup.

Seriously. I'm not a puker. I haven't puked like that since my first time getting drunk back in uh....2000.

It.Was.Horrible.

I was sure if I dry heaved any more, Bubby would come right out of my mouth.

I made it back to bed but then woke with chills, and a fever. And still my stomach kept cramping.

I managed to get to Labor and Delivery where they took blood, and urine. They gave me an IV of fluids and hooked me up to montitor the baby.

The nurse stops and says. "Did you feel that?" I told her I did. "You're having contractions." Well shit, now I know what the pain in my stomach was. Duh.

So then of course I get 2 doctors that come in examining me and my lady areas. Checking my cervis and all that good stuff.

Everything was good and once the fluids kicked in, the contractions died down.

It was scary for a while because he's not ready. I'm not ready.

I made it home with medication and strict orders to rest, but had contractions the rest of the day.

I had a talking with this boy.

I told him he will NOT come right now. He WILL behave. And he WILL stop giving me contractions.

So far so good. But don't think I'm beneath fussing at him again if I have to.

Question of the Week

I was supposed to post this yesterday but I was too busy avoiding death fighting the Flu, that I didn't have the strength.

While I am recovering please entertain me with your answer to the question of the week.

My answer would be doing my hair. For my non-black bloggy friend, you have NO idea how much of a headache it is. I shiver just thinking about it.

So,

If you could cancel forever a single thing you do everyday other than your job, what would it be?

Blowing Bubbles

If anyone knows me at all you already know that it doesn't take much to make me laugh.

Me and Lael were chewing bubble gum this weekend and she wanted a lesson on blowing bubbles.

Just when I though she was going to get the hang of it, I decided to video tape it.




Didn't turn out quite the way I expected. But it got a laugh out of us anyway.

Hope your weekend was as relaxing as mine.

Friday Randomness

I miss her.

I can't explain how lonely I am without her. She's one of those wherethehellhaveyoubeenallmylife type of friends.

*sigh*

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So hubby has been working on our car so when I whined about me feet feeling like they were about to explode (no I am not dramatic at all) we borrowed his brothers car (who is living with us now, the brother, not the car, well both, ugh you know what I mean).

We go to find me some comfy walking shoes that I can also wear in my uniform. We stop a Sports Authority and swing by the Target (where I also added a few cool things to my registry) next door to pick up a few things.

We were out of the car MAYBE 20 mins. We went to head to another shoe store and the damn car won't start.

I will spare you the details but let's just say it's an hour I can't get back. Also, me and hubby don't get along when stress is involved. We.Almost.Killed.Each.Other.

But we figured things out and I got my shoes, I even managed to weasel a discount out of the guy. Being big as a whale has it's perks.

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Guess what tomorrow is?  Well it's my 2 yr Bloggiversary.  Already!

I wish I had some cool random giveaway I could do. So if you have an Etsty Shop and want your product put out there email me!

But I just wanted to thank everyone who reads my blog (even those that don't comment, which I wish you would).  I started out with zero readers and zero comments and it's ONLY because of you that I continue to blog.  I mean seriously, who wants to write to themselves?

So THANK YOU ALL!!

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Oh, and I'm totally 30 weeks preggo.  Yup. 9 more weeks until my C-Section. I can almost smell him now. 

Happy Friday!

Weepy Heart

I woke up at 2:30 this morning with tears in my eyes.

The baby is fine (don't worry) but it's my heart that is in need of healing.

I tried to lock my feeling away.  In a little box that I could open up when I was ready.

I guess the box opened up on it's own.

I am an only daughter.  Even if I weren't I am a daughter. Her child. Their child.

How is it that I can be so easily dismissed.

How can anyone push the gift of a child to the side.

Recently I've learned of a friend of my hubby's infidelity.

With an 18 year old.  He is probably 34 or 35. This child got pregnant.

She was sent away by her parents.  She had the baby in a hotel, alone, on the bathroom floor.

She quickly wrapped the baby up. Left the hotel room and threw the baby in the dumpster.

The DUMPSTER.  Threw her away, like garbage.

But that isn't the part that hurts me the most.

The wife found out about his affair and the baby.  She forgave him.  She was willing to make things work out.

The baby was placed in Foster Care until the invesigation is complete.  The wife wants to get custody of the little girl and raise her with the rest of their family.

Last week she kicked the husband out of her house.  Not because of what he did.  But because.....

He doesn't want the baby.

Again.  A child is dismissed.  Tossed to the side.

That is how I feel.  This baby is too young to know the damage that was done to her but I am not.

I don't know what my mother is doing.  She won't call.  I can't call her (remember she changed her number).  She won't respond to my emails.

I thought I could let it go but deep down my heart is weeping.

And I need someone to take me out of the dumpster because I feel like I was thrown away.

I Don't Think I'm Ready for THAT

Yesterday was beautiful.  I mean a thankgodwinterisgoingawayandspringiscoming type of beautiful.

As tired as I was from getting close to NO sleep the night before, I could resist taking Lael to the park to enjoy the warmth.

A bit after we got there the little girl that lives across the street fom us came to the park as well.

Originally the girl ran over to a group of boys and didn't see Lael. I nudged Lael to go over and say hello. (I try to get her out of the shyness)

Lael went to say hi and then the girl followed her back where they began to play together.

A few minutes later one of the little boys came up the the girl and said "So-and-so likes you."

I.Just.About.Died.

I mean this girl JUST turned 8 and is in the 2nd grade.  Lael wasn't in earshot so didn't hear what was going on but WTF!

Then the other boys ran over and they began giggling and whispering "You tell her" "No! You tell her" "You like her not me."

Again. Died.

The girl ran over to her mother (who was on their back patio and couldn't hear it) and told her.  I'm not sure what she said to her but the girl ignored the boys and continued to play with Lael.

After a few minutes her mom called her in.  I'm not sure if it was because the boys were lingering around or because the sun was going down. 

Either way, I am mortified FOR her.

Seriously.  Does this shit start in the 2nd grade?

I'm not prepared for this.  Am I going to have to talk to my 1st grader about what these boys mean.

When will she come home talking about a boy liking her?  And who will dig my grave because once again DIE is what I will do?

I don't remember having to deal with boys at least until the 4th or 5th grade. 

What have yall experienced?  Any advice?  Seriously. I'm too young to die.

When I take my girl to the park I only expect to deal with this:

Nothing else.

Question Of The Week

When I'm having a particularly bad day at work (like today) my supervisor whips out her "If: Question of Life Book." 

Today's question.

If you could teach your children one life lesson, what would it be?

Let me know your thoughts.

That's all I got for yall today. My brain is functioning off of 3hrs of sleep.

But I think this is a fun idea. I think I'll do a question each week. Whatcha think?

Signs You're At A Ghetto Birthday Party

I am proud to have a diverse group of friends.

I have some really ghetto friends and very classy friends.

For some reason I can adapt to either situation.

Saturday I went to a birthday party.  My friend, who happens to be my hairdresser as well, threw a party for her daughters who turned 6 and 8.  The exact ages of Lael and D.  Fun.

Except.  She is one of my ghetto friends.  I love her don't get me wrong.  But there are just "things" that happen at ghetto parties that don't happen at classier ones.

Some may be confused on how to determine if you are at a ghetto birthday party.  Let me help.

1. The invitation is sent by email on a word document with many spelling errors.

2. You get to the party (which was at grandmother's house) to help set up and the mother and children aren't there yet. 

3. While waiting for them to arrive about 10 guys are walking through the house because one of the family members decides they are moving out at the same time as the party.

4. The kids start arriving for the party that is scheduled at 3pm but nothing is ready because everyone is helping out with #3.

5.  The kids are sent to the backyard.  To play.  That's it.  Just play.

6.  The party finally starts at 5pm.  2hrs after it's supposed to.

7.  At one point there are 20 (yes, I counted) girls in the backyard and another 10-15 inside the house. 

8.  When it's time to order pizza, the mom thinks 9 medium pizza's are enough.  Ugh. No.

9.  When it's time to wash their hands you have to get up and help restore order because hello? #7 and because the bathroom sink is filled with bubbles.

10. The girls all get fed and once they are eating cake it's 6:45pm.

11. I decide to leave and the party is still going on.

12. I call the next day and find out that the party went on till about 8:30.

13. You also wake up the next morning with a cold, because no matter how many times you sanatized your hands, it was just to many of them.  Kids, not germs.  Well germs too.

Too much for me.  But the kids did have a blast.  That's all that counts right?

Reality

So many of you know that I work in the Pentagon.

I have been working in the building for 3 years but in and out of the building for 5 years.

If you didn't hear last night around 6:30 there was a shooting.

2 of our Pentagon Police was shot and in turn they shot the suspect.

This scares the living hell out of me.

It was right outside of the Metro entrance.  The entrance I take every.single.day.

It could've been anyone.  Me, my coworkers, anybody. 

Thank god the 2 officers were only grazed and they have been released from the hospital.

The suspect was not so lucky.  He was pronounced dead this morning.

This morning I was watching the news and Lael walks in.

"What, there was shooting at the Pentagon.  You can't go to work mom!"

I had to explain to her that everything was ok.  That nothing was going to happen to me.

But it's not really the truth.  Because we don't really know.  Anything could happen to any of us at any time.

Then she proceeds to ask me what if people shoot at our house.

I told her that I would protect her.

She says who will protect me.

I told her daddy would.

She says who will protect him.

I told her the dogs would and then I tickled her and tried to change the subject.

I worry but I don't want her little head to be worried too.

But it's reality.

For The Last Time

I wake up in the middle of the night and feel the little pounds coming from inside me.

I take a drink of water and rub my belly.  He repositions and then calms back down.

Other times I wake up to a starp pain.  It could be an elbow, a foot, who knows.

To have something you love so close to you but not be able to touch it is hard.

To see the little punches but not be able to kiss those little hands.

To feel the foot in your ribs but not yet be able to play with those toes.

It's a miracle.  I sometimes forget that.  That life is a miracle.

I complain about the pains, the big boobs, loss of balance, and many more complaints.

But the thing is.  I am blessed.  So many that would die to carry a baby.

To be able to experience the pains I speak of.  To have the connection that I have.

To love someone you haven't even met yet so much that it pains you.

I worried about my heart being big enough for more than one child.

How silly was I.  God gives you that.  I don't know when it happend.  Maybe right after I heard his heartbeat.

Maybe right after I felt the first flutter.

But it happened.  I am in love.  Just as much as I am with Lael. 

She was sick yesterday and stayed home from school.  I was lucky that I had taken off so I was able to care for her.

I feel blessed for that.

Though cleaning up puke and taking her temp wouldn't be my favorite pastime, I am blessed that she's mine and I get to do that.

I get to nurse her back to health.  My child.  I get to feed this baby in my belly and help him grow until he's ready to be born.

I am blessed.

So it kinda saddens me that this will be my last pregnancy.  I know that I can't afford to have more.  So I will treasure every kick, punch and jab he dishes out. 

I can't stand my desk job but realize my real job is the best one on earth.

Being a mom.  I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Damn it feels good.

No Such Thing As Perfect Family

I didn't have a bad childhood.

I didn't have an awesome childhood.

I don't really know where to rate it.

It's hard to say what is "normal" and what isn't.

My life started out with my mom being married to my biological father (who was in the Army) and us living in a few places.

At the time I had an older brother (by 4 years) who was fathered by my mother's 1st boyfriend at 18.  My father was her second an she had me at 22.

Living in Germany, 4 years later, my next brother was born.

I'm not really sure when the abuse started but I do remember it shortly after we came back to the US.

We lived in Oklahoma.  I can remember my Big Wheel, my Cabbage Patch doll and I can also remember hiding under the table when daddy came home.

I can remember seeing him beat her.  I can remember him trying to beat me because I refused to let him hold me.  I remember protecting my brother. 

I can remember looking at my mother one day and asking when we were going to leave daddy.

I remember my mom packing a bag and leaving everything else behind.

We hopped on a bus and rode back to DC to say with my Grandmother.

At some point during all of this me and my younger brother became the best of friends.

We have a connection that I can't seem to explain.

Years later we have watched our mother remarry.  Have another son (10 year younger than me) and gain a step-son as well.

I am not close with any of them to include my oldest brother.  I don't really remember him through my childhood.

Part of that is because at 12 he lied to our school guidance counselor and said that our mother abused us.  We were taken away from her for a short period and shortly after he went to live with is father. 

I can count on 1 hand the amount of times I've seen him since then.

My point is, my family is far from perfect.

I am not close to any of them.  I don't talk to my grandparents or uncles.  I don't know where my cousins are.

My younger brother just got out of a detention center and may or may not graduate high school.

My oldest brother just got out of jail for beating his wife, again.

And my stepbrother, well, lord knows what he's up to.

But then we have Dyon.  How I love him so.  He is my family. And I am his.

He was headed down the wrong path but I grabbed him by the throat and showed him a different life.

He joined the Marines.  Words cannot express how proud I am of him.

A few weeks ago he returned from Iraq and then he flew into DC to be with his family.  Me.

He stayed with me up until yesterday.  He will be going to Afghanistan in April.

While he was here he saw my mom once and I don't think he saw my father or brothers at all.

I am not surprised but it still stings.  He pretends it doesn't bother him, but I know him better.

I have to make up for his family.  I have to be his mom and dad when my parents are too busy with their own lives to remember they have children.

I hugged my brother yesterday morning before he left for his flight.  I gave him a kiss and whispered in his ear how proud I am of him.

He needs to hear that.

No family is perfect and I try to remind myself of that.  But I have my own little perfection and he'll be leaving for war soon and taking a piece of me with him.