Thursday, March 11, 2010

Weepy Heart

I woke up at 2:30 this morning with tears in my eyes.

The baby is fine (don't worry) but it's my heart that is in need of healing.

I tried to lock my feeling away.  In a little box that I could open up when I was ready.

I guess the box opened up on it's own.

I am an only daughter.  Even if I weren't I am a daughter. Her child. Their child.

How is it that I can be so easily dismissed.

How can anyone push the gift of a child to the side.

Recently I've learned of a friend of my hubby's infidelity.

With an 18 year old.  He is probably 34 or 35. This child got pregnant.

She was sent away by her parents.  She had the baby in a hotel, alone, on the bathroom floor.

She quickly wrapped the baby up. Left the hotel room and threw the baby in the dumpster.

The DUMPSTER.  Threw her away, like garbage.

But that isn't the part that hurts me the most.

The wife found out about his affair and the baby.  She forgave him.  She was willing to make things work out.

The baby was placed in Foster Care until the invesigation is complete.  The wife wants to get custody of the little girl and raise her with the rest of their family.

Last week she kicked the husband out of her house.  Not because of what he did.  But because.....

He doesn't want the baby.

Again.  A child is dismissed.  Tossed to the side.

That is how I feel.  This baby is too young to know the damage that was done to her but I am not.

I don't know what my mother is doing.  She won't call.  I can't call her (remember she changed her number).  She won't respond to my emails.

I thought I could let it go but deep down my heart is weeping.

And I need someone to take me out of the dumpster because I feel like I was thrown away.


  1. This is so sad, and of course you are experiencing it first hand--because you are pregnant, but also I would guess b/c of the rejection you felt from your Mom with your first pregnancy. Right?

    Let the tears out--cry for that baby and yourself and then know that all you can do is love what you have.


  2. {{Hugs}} I hope she'll come around soon.

  3. Look at your man, now back to me, now back to your man..... :)

    Seriously, though, look at your man...he loves you. He would do anything for you. You have never been disgarded by him (right?) - you are loved by so many people. By people that know what LOVE IS.

    I'm so sorry you are having a rough time right now. How lucky your daughter and baby boy are to have someone who has gone through this pain so they won't ever know it.

    Love ya girl!

  4. Awww, sweetie. Your heartbreak comes through so strongly here. I wish I knew what to say to ease your grief. :( (((hugs)))

  5. Oh honey! Oh my... HUGE hug to you.

    My son's biological father "threw" him away... luckily I was there to love love love.

    You are a wonderful strong woman. But I'm so sorry you're hurting.

  6. That just hurts to know how you must be hurting. I am so terribly sorry. I can't pretend to know how it feels but I do care!

  7. This makes my heart hurt.

    I have to admit, my mom probably sometimes feels this way about me. We don't have a good relationship and sadly, I have to put up a lot of walls with her.

  8. Hugs hugs and hugs. To you and out to that poor infant. I totally understand the wife kicking him out, I would do the same in her place. To turn his back on his child is reprehensible.

    Lindy is so right when she says that you have the love of so many people supporting you. Sometimes when our family by birth lets us down we find a second family full of people who love and support and accept both in return. You have that in your husband and friends.

  9. I think you are fantastic, Keyona. A fantastic mother, step-mother, wife, sister, blog-friend, and a kick-ass incubator. That little man is cookin' away right now. Well done.

    I'm sorry your mother can't see what we see, but you are even more incredible because YOU BROKE THE CYCLE.

  10. Children are such a blessing and should never be taken for granted. I feel so strongly about that, it's hard for me to understand people who don't feel the same way.
    So sorry you have to be going through this, but I think it's made you a stronger person.

  11. Oh heart breaks for you. I found that my feelings of abandonment were worse once I had kids b/c then I TRULY didn't understand how someone could abandon their child. I'm sending you hugs.

    Also, good for that wife for kicking his sorry-ass to the curb!

  12. I am so sorry. As a mother, I have NO idea how any mother could treat her child they way you are being treated.
    ((HUGS)) and love from another mother.

  13. ((hugs))

    Oh Keyona, my heart is breaking for you. That truly sucks.

    Nothing takes the place of your mother. But you've got something SO special in your little girl, your baby, your hubs, and your step-daughter. Pour your energy into them, and into yourself. Only good will come of it.

  14. Keyona, I know I just started following you, but I've known about you through Lindy's blog. I am so sorry you are experiencing such sadness. I had a similar experience with my mother when I got divorced, remarried two years later, and got pregnant after that -- there's a whole lotta backstory there that I won't get into here, but you know what? It all eventually worked out. I will pray for the same outcome for you. :)


Those laughing with me...or at me.